Random Stupidity
by Ethra Esme
Summary: Something wicked that way goes, George.
1. The Book

**Random Stupidity  
**  
by Ethra Esme  
  
**A/N:** Never really done an author's note before. Um...basically, it's about my friend and me. In the Harry Potter world. It's, well, I just wanted to publish it and see if I got any reviews, because no one ever reviews my stuff. Even infamy would be alright. I mean...no one EVER reviews my stuff. Sigh.   
JK Rowling owns everyone. Even me. Oh, and the idea, the whole "me and my friend enter the Harry Potter Universe" has definately been done before so, um...well you can't sue me anyway.  
  
**Chapter One**   
  
**The Book**  
  
It was after dark. Way after dark. Like, so many hours after dark that it was very early the next day.  
  
Addie, a short blonde with blue eyes, and Ethra, another short girl with cropped pink hair and green eyes were still awake, however. Awake...and bored.  
  
Troubling.  
  
"God!" Addie sighed, hanging half-way off her bed. "We never have any fun anymore."  
  
"Growing up sucks." Ethra agreed.  
  
"Um...maybe we can kindap the Beatles again!" Addie said, sitting up and clutching her pillow with enthusiasm that just didn't suit her.  
  
"Don't say kindap, they won't get the joke and they'll think it's just a typo for 'kidnap'." Ethra sighed, balancing a glass full of water on her head.  
  
"Fine." Addie laid back on the bed, and then sat bolt upright, making Ethra spill the cup of water not only down her face, but down her shirt and into her lap.  
  
"Hey, that's a good look for you."  
  
"Meh." Ethra flipped Addie off.  
  
"Nice. Anyway, you know what? I bought a really cool book the other day, that I've been meaning to show you."  
  
"A book, eh? Man, we're still partying! What was I thinking?" Ethra deadpanned. Addie simply ignored her, as is usually wise and dug a large, leather-bound book from under her bed.  
  
"Where the hell did you get that?"  
  
"Stole it from a vampire I shagged."  
  
"Oh. I thought you said you bought it."

"..."  
  
They both looked at the cover.  
  
"The Book That Addie Should Not Open Without Ethra Or the Already Suffering Plot Will Fail." Addie read. "Um, well, you're with me now. I suppose we could open it."  
  
"Let's."  
  
They pulled the heavy cover of the book open together, and felt a rush of wind, and then the sensation of falling.  
  
And then the sensation of landing on hard stone.  
  
"Well, hell." Ethra cursed. "I already broke my ass once."  
  
Addie, however, wasn't paying attention and pointed at something. Ethra looked up at whatever was being pointed at.  
  
Walking toward them, in the empty hallway, was Professor Severus Snape, a tall, lanky man with stringy black hair and a rather...erm...prominent nose. He had just turned the corner and nearly jumped with a start when he saw the two girls sitting on the floor. He strode toward them quickly.  
  
"What are you two doing out of your classes?" He growled, standing over them menacingly.  
  
"Holy fuck." Addie murmered.  
  
Snape's black eyes widened, turning to Addie. "LANGUAGE! Language Miss McDuff, ten points from Hufflepuff, and-HEY!"  
  
Snape looked down, horriffied, at Ethra, who had lifted up his robes slightly and was peaking under them.  
  
Snape snatched his robes from her and stepped back. "Miss Esme! As much as I hate to do this, thirty points from Slytherin!"  
  
"Woohoo! I'm in Slytherin!" Ethra punched the air, and then pointed at Addie. "HA! You're a Hufflepuff!"  
  
"Aww..." Addie sighed.  
  
Snape looked at the two girls as if they were quite insane. "Of course you're a Slytherin, you have been for the past SEVEN YEARS!"  
  
"Oh good, did you hear that?" Addie said to Ethra. "Means we're not jailbait."  
  
"Sweet."  
  
"WOULD BOTH OF YOU GET OFF THE FLOOR?!" Snape screamed at them.  
  
Both of them stood up from the floor quickly. "Follow me to the Headmaster's office."  
  
"Shit."  
  
"Ten more points, McDuff!"


	2. The Bad Touch

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** JK Rowling, etc.  
  
**Chapter Two  
  
The Bad Touch**  
  
The girls followed Snape up from the dungeons (where they turned out to be) and through the halls toward the Headmaster's office.  
  
They both realized they were wearing uniforms, and Ethra reached into her robes, and pulled out a long, black wand.  
  
"Wicked!" She hissed. Addie hurriedly dug into her own robes and procured a longer, mahogany wand.   
  
"Hell yeah."  
  
Ethra looked from her wand, to Snape, grinning deviously, then placed her wand back into her robes.  
  
"I won't ask." Addie sighed, running her hand along the wall, and accidentally groping a woman's portrait.  
  
"BAD TOUCH!!" It screamed at her. Addie jumped away from it and Ethra burst out laughing.   
  
Snape's head snapped around. "Stop whatever you are doing, girls."  
  
"'Kay." Ethra smiled.  
  
"So, um." Addie whispered to her pink haired friend. "I guess we're at Hogwarts. Funny thing is, now that I think about it, I do have memories of first year, being sorted, and whatnot."  
  
"Yeah, me too!" Ethra whispered back. "How convienient for both us and the author.  
  
How convienient indeed.  
  
Finally, they reached the gargoyle in front of the entry to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Ooh! I know what the password is!" Ethra screamed histerically. Snape jumped and then bristled, glaring at her.  
  
"No, you don't! And ten points from Slytherin for yelling. If you make me take points from my own house one more-"  
  
"Carmalized Crawdads!" Ethra yelled.  
  
The gargoyle didn't move.  
  
Snape looked smugly at her.   
  
"No, wait, let me try again. Lemon drop?"  
  
Nothing.  
  
Addie rolled her eyes. "It's probably something totally different like Scotch on the rocks or some other hard liquor."  
  
The gargoyle moved aside.  
  
Snape glared at Addie for a second, then moved forward onto the stairs.  
  
Addie shrugged to Ethra. "Just a guess." They followed Snape to the stairs, but Ethra slipped and hit her nose.  
  
"Son of a fuck!"  
  
Snape turned sharply as the staircase twisted its way to the Headmaster's office. "Ten points from-"  
  
Then he saw Ethra gushing blood from her nose.  
  
He rolled his eyes impatiently and handed her a small purple squarey thing.  
  
"What's this?" She asked, spraying blood all over Snape's face. "One of those Weasely twins' things. I confiscated it this morning. Eat it."  
  
Ethra popped it in her mouth and everything went blank.  
  
Addie looked at Snape, who looked put off.  
  
"I think that was a "Fainting Pastille" or something, Professor."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock."  
  
Just as Snape uttered that out of character phrase, they had reached the Headmaster's office, and the door was open. Dumbledore looked up and smiled.  
  
"Keep digging, Watson."  
  
Snape blushed. Unlike most people, who blush a faint pink colour, he blushed a dark greenish colour.  
  
Dumbledore's eyes passed over to the unconscious, bleeding body of Ethra Esme. He looked back up quizzically at Snape, and then dug in one of his drawers, pulling out two potions. He walked over to Ethra and poured them both into her mouth. She roused quickly and looked into Dumbledore's eyes.  
  
"Wow...they DO twinkle. Repeatedly."  
  
She pulled out her wand and performed that one cleaning spell that the author can't currently remember.  
  
Snape pulled Ethra up roughly from the floor by her cloak. He shoved both her and Addie toward the Headmaster.  
  
"I am currently busy at the moment, Headmaster. Perhaps you could deal with them?"  
  
"Of course." Dumbledore looked from Addie to Ethra, and back at Snape. "What did they do?"  
  
"Out of their rooms at night, language, rudeness to a Professor, groping a painting-"  
  
"HEY! I didn't mean to-"  
  
"And that one-" He pointed to Ethra "I swear she was looking under my robes."  
  
"I don't know if anyone has ever told you this before, but most people wear stuff under their robes. Did you not get the memo?"  
  
Snape narrowed his eyes at her, positively shaking with anger and glowing an a sickly green.  
  
"That's quite true, Severus." Dumbledore said quietly. "Alastor Moody always wondered why-"  
  
"Can I go now?" Snape asked sharply.  
  
Dumbledore nodded. "Of course, of course."  
  
Snape swept around gracefully to leave, and swooped into the door.  
  
Addie and Ethra burst out laughing and Snape rushed out the door.  
  
"Now, now girls." Dumbledore looked at them sternly. "You must show Professor Snape the proper respect."  
  
"Right." Addie nodded.  
  
"Okay." Ethra agreed.  
  
"Now what are you girls doing out of- oh to hell with it."  
  
The girls looked at him quizically.  
  
"Just go. Have fun. Trying to create some sort of plot would be meaningless and a pain in the ass, and not to mention totally pointless. Like I said, have fun."  
  
Addie and Ethra looked at one another, and then smiled. They ran up to Dumbledore and threw their arms around him.  
  
"We love you!" They said together, and then skipped off merrily to their dormitories. They needed plenty of sleep for the day ahead.  
  
Dog have mercy on Snape's pants. 


	3. The Weird Angst Begins

**Random Stupidity**

**by Ethra Esme**

****

**A/N:** I guess, the reason why this got so...angsty, is I wondered exactly how Snape and I would get along.

Not very well, apparently.

****

**Chapter Three**

**The Weird Angst Begins**

That, and I wrote this very early in the morning.  
  
In later chapters, I shall simply disregard any ounce of canon standing between Snape and my romance. Heh heh heh.  
  
Ethra arrived in the potions classroom fifteen minutes early. Snape was disposing of some potions from the earlier class. He looked up as she entered the room. And then glared.  
  
"Look, about last night. I'm sorry about how disrespectful I was, Professor."  
  
Snape raised his eyebrows briefly and muttered, "Well, I hope so."  
  
"I really admire you."  
  
He continued to look at her in confusion.  
  
"I mean, how curmudeonely and intelligent you are-"  
  
"That's enough, Miss Esme."  
  
"And you're so grumpy and hate people-"  
  
"I don't hate people."  
  
"And your nose..."  
  
"What about my nose, Miss Esme?" He asked dangerously, standing up slowly. "Do you find it amusing?"  
  
"Amusing? No-"  
  
"Or grotesque? Go on, Esme, try me. I've heard it all."  
  
"No it's not that...it's just..." She shifted uncomfortably. "Oh, nevermind, you'll just think I'm being sarcastic."  
  
She turned to sit down and before he could say anything the room began to fill with Slytherins and Gryffindors.  
  
It surprised Ethra how weird it was to actually **be** in the Harry Potter world. As she tried to sleep last night, it had sunk in that this wasn't just a fantasy- it was reality, for however long that may be. The people she would be dealing with were **real** for now.  
  
She was sitting in the back, and to none of her surprise at all, no one came to sit next to her. She looked over at Harry, Ron, and Hermione. 'Hm.' She thought. 'I'm surprised Snape let Harry into his N.E.W.T. class, especially after the Pensieve incident.'  
  
Snape began to give instructions, writing ingredients on the board. It was an exceptionally difficult potion, but Ethra knew she could manage alright. She thought back and could remember her whole stay at Hogwarts up until then. It was exactly as her real-life school had been. Basically, she was a good student who only got bad grades for rarely doing her homework. She was friendly but introverted, and was basically a no-one in a large school.  
  
She thought back to her relationship with Snape, and realised she had never really spoken to him, had gotten in trouble with him a couple times, and basically admired him from afar. She had never gotten detention with him.  
  
In her reverie, she misjudged the measurement of Wormwood Essence and her potion turned a bright orange colour, and emitted an acrid smelling purple smoke.  
  
"Hell." She muttered. She looked up and saw Snape quietly harassing Harry over his potion, which had turned almost the same colour as hers but **still** looked better. He swept his wand over the cauldron and Harry grew red, so Ethra assumed that Snape had cleaned out the cauldron. Her heart began to race as Snape's gaze turned to her. She felt her face grow hot as he sauntered toward her. He smiled grimly.  
  
"Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Maybe you should spend some time studying your potions and not my face?"  
  
She glared at him.   
  
"You find me fascinating, right? I'm sorry my beauty distracts you so, Miss Esme."  
  
She heard some of the Gryffindors giggling, and the Slytherins were outright laughing at her. She glanced over at Harry, who was looking at her with a mixture of digust and pity.  
  
Ethra narrowed her eyes and looked back at Snape, whose eyes were wide and lips were curled into a cold grin.  
  
"I'm sorry Miss Esme, but I'm a bit out of your caliber, don't you think?"  
  
"I don't need this." She said quietly.   
  
"Excuse me, Esme?"  
  
"I can't believe I ever liked you. I always thought you were antisocial, maybe a little mean, but I didn't think you'd be so cruel." She looked up at him, her eyes watering slightly. 'Oh my god', she thought, 'Now I remember why I hated high school.'  
  
Although many Slytherins were still sniggering, the Gryffindors had gone silent. They all looked at her with pity.  
  
Snape's grin had frozen on his face, and there was a clear battle going on behind his beetle-black eyes.  
  
Ethra cleared her cauldron and grabbed her bag, beginning to feel enraged. 'How dare he try to make a fool of me? That's just ridiculous. Bloody story book character.'  
  
She stood up and brushed past Snape, coming as close to him as possible so he would have to step aside.  
  
"Where are you going Esme?" He asked, sounding actually confused.  
  
"Wherever I want to." She said flatly. "Fail me. See if I care."  
  
She walked toward the dungeon door and put her hand on the doorknob.  
  
"I forbid you to leave this classroom." Snape said, his voice strangely high-pitched.  
  
She turned around and glared, her eyes bloodshot and her nose bright red, as it always turned when she was upset.  
  
"What are you gonna do? Avada Kedavra me?"  
  
The class murmed quietly.  
  
Snape seemed to feel better now that Ethra had risen. He smiled again. "Who says I wouldn't."  
  
"Fuck you." She said and swept out the door. 'Nice comeback.' She thought to herself sarcastically. She wondered for a second whether or not he would follow, and broke into a run for the stairs. She didn't hear the door open behind her as she burst out crying. 


	4. And It Continues

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** And this is where the canon begins to evaporate. I think I have some unresolved issues from my youth.  
  
**Chapter Four  
  
And It Continues**  
  
Ethra met Addie at dinner. Addie was already sitting at the Hufflepuff table, laughing with some of the other students. Ethra glanced at the comparatively unfriendly Slytherin table and wished she had been sorted into Addie's house.  
  
Addie looked up when all Hufflepuff eyes turned Ethra's way. A few glanced at the staff table, where Snape looked up at the students as the room grew a little quieter.   
  
Ethra had hidden out in Moaning Murtle's bathroom the whole day, throwing objects through the annoying spirit until Murtle gave up and hid in her S bend. She hadn't been there to hear the story of her exploits spread through the classes.  
  
Addie pulled Ethra to her knees before Snape saw her. The room had gotten louder again, but Ethra repeatedly heard her and Addie's names in the chit-chat.  
  
"Is it true you tried to curse Snape?" Addie hissed.  
  
"Pf. No. I wish..."  
  
Addie stood and pulled Ethra out of the room quickly.  
  
"I heard you tried to kiss Snape in potions class and when he pushed you away, you tried to kill him with the Avada Kedavra curse."  
  
Ethra raised an eyebrow. "Um, no. I told him "fuck you", though."  
  
Addie widened her eyes. "And he didn't kill you?"  
  
"I guess not. That'd be a pretty dull story, don't you think? Although I'm sure anyone in _deleterius_ or _pottersues_ wouldn't mind..."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Livejournal- eh, nevermind."  
  
"Why did you curse at Snape?"   
  
Ethra looked at the floor and kicked at a stone. "He was making fun of me. Told me he was too good for me. Stuff like that."  
  
"That sexy bastard!" Addie growled. "Poor Ethra." Addie hugged her tightly.  
  
Ethra laughed. "Thanks, dear."  
  
"Do you want to come in and eat?"  
  
"Not particularly, no. I kinda want to walk around and see stuff before it gets too late."  
  
"Oooh...can I come?"  
  
"You sure? Aren't you hungry?"  
  
"Not really. I don't like blood pudding much."  
  
"Ooo...Blood pudding?" Ethra thought twice about dinner and then shook her head. "Nah. Not worth it. Maybe I'll sneak into the kitchens after curfew."  
  
And the two set off into the corridor.  
  
"Let's go up the stairs." Addie suggested.  
  
"Yeah....I wonder where the Divination classroom is?"  
  
"I dunno. Is Trelawny still teaching?"  
  
"I think so.. Hold on." Ethra sat down on the steps and pulled off her shoes and stockings, stuffing the stockings (heh) into her shoes and taking off her cloak. She wrapped her shoes into her cloak and rolled up her sleeves, taking out her wand and uttering "Locomotor..um..cloak wad." It picked up into the air and Ethra stuffed the wand into the back of her skirt's waistband. They took off walking again.  
  
"Cloak wad?" Addie laughed. Ethra just shrugged. "I'm tired of wearing the stupid thing. It was cool at first, but..."  
  
"Yeah I know what you mean. My feet are killing me, too."  
  
"Then do what I did."  
  
"Okay." Addie sat down in the hallway, and the painting above her yelled. "YOU AGAIN!"  
  
"Ha! Painting molester!" Ethra pointed and laughed at Addie, who just mumbled "Shut up."  
  
As soon as Addie had her cloak wad airborne they set off again, stopping to talk to a painting of a knight who particularly resembled Orlando Bloom.  
  
"Wow, this story has everything." Addie sighed contentedly.  
  
Hours passed by before they knew it. They made their way down the stairs, noticing everyone had gone.  
  
"Great, I think we're out past curfew again." Addie grumbled.   
  
Ethra sighed. "Yeah, and I don't want to run into Snape again. Well, g'night."  
  
"Night!"  
  
They parted ways and headed for their respective common rooms, cloak wads trailing behind.  
  
Ethra was heading through the dungeon hallways when she heard footsteps behind her. It was almost completely dark, but she could guess who it was.   
  
She ducked into the shadows just as Snape rounded the corner. Unfortunately, though, her wand hit the stone wall and sparked, igniting the cloak wad and her skirt. You know, with fire.  
  
"SHIT!" She yelled and jumped away from the wall. She pulled out her wand and put out her ass, and as she did her cloak went out too.  
  
She didn't want to look up, but she did anyway. Snape looked, well, less than happy.  
  
"What's your excuse this time, Esme?"  
  
"I just lost track of time, alright? I was heading back-"  
  
"A likely story, I'm sure."  
  
Ethra rolled her eyes and glared at him. "I mean it. If there was a damn clock somewhere-"  
  
"Oh, there's clocks everywhere!"  
  
"Really? I didn't notice."  
  
Snape glared and took a step toward her. She put a hand over her wand so it wouldn't bump the stone and alight her again.  
  
"Do you really want to be expelled in your last year of Hogwarts?"  
  
Ethra sighed and thought about it. "Not really, being that I don't know where the hell I would go..."  
  
"Then I suggest you clean up your act and start showing a little respect."  
  
"Me show respect? ME? What about you?" She felt a surge of anger swell her heart. "You're the one who embarassed me in front of the whole entire class! I mean, what was that? It was petty, that's what it was." She noticed her voice had risen but didn't care. Before Snape could answer she continued.  
  
"I have spent my whole life taking crap from people like you. You think you're better than me? Why's that? What gives you the right to think that you can just make a fool of me? Huh? What? Am I less human than you? Tell me!"  
  
She stopped and stared at his face, breathing heavily. "All my life I've gotten that from people. Maybe I've given them permission to do that to me. But that's it. I'm an adult, and I'm not going to put up with it anymore." She felt her eyes welling with tears. 'Oh, great, cry in front of him.' She thought. 'I thought this would be cool, but it's just like my life always was...'  
  
She gave up and just started sobbing, ignoring Snape and sinking to the floor in self loathing and self pity. "Nothing ever works out right." She yelled into her hands. She wiped her face with the back of her hand and wished she could go home.  
  
"Um. Uh." Snape mumbled. "Um." He didn't know quite what to say. "Well, I'll let it go this time... Just get back to your room." He turned around and walked the way he had come.  
  
"Good. I hope you feel guilty." She mumbled as he disappeared. She felt really stupid. Whether she was still nineteen in this world or not, it was still really immature to break down and cry after yelling at a teacher. After a while of staring at the wall, Ethra got up and grabbed her singed cloak and shoes, and went down to the Slytherin common room. 


	5. Care of Magical Sueser, Creatures

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** I start to snap out of my depression. A little.  
  
**Chapter Five  
  
Care of Magical Sues...er, Creatures**  
  
The author wondered to herself what had happened to her lighthearted, stupid story. 'Perhaps my medication isn't working right.' She thought. 'I'll have to put in something stupid and pointless. Other people won't think it's funny. But_ I_ will.'  
  
The next morning at breakfast, Hagrid rushed into the Great Hall and up to the staff table. He stood in front of Dumbledore's chair, and turned to face the students. Then he started dancing the Charleston.  
  
Professor McGonagall looked horrified. She stood up, knocking over her chair. "My word, Hagrid, are you under the Imperius curse?" She scanned the students for any signs of wand waving, but everyone looked as startled as she did.  
  
"No, ma'am." He smiled. "I'm jus' happy!"  
  
Unfortunately, Ethra was not at breakfast to see the spectacle. She was in the girls' washroom looking at her hair. A fellow Slytherin girl had given her some magical hair dye (ooo!), and Ethra had just rinsed it out. Conjuring a heat spell, Ethra blow-dried her hair and admired the results. A handsome, chestnut brown. Not bad. 'I'll have to bring some stuff home with me.' She thought, wondering when she'd get to go home and if she'd be able to take anything. Her eyes were still bloodshot from the night of crying, but Ethra didn't mind too much as it brought out the bright green in them. Her face was all blotchy, though, and her nose was bright red. She didn't happen to have any makeup on her, so she sighed resignedly and went off to look for something to wear.   
  
The school uniform offered a surprising selection. In the end, she chose a white, short sleeved shirt, her house tie, a nice, knee length black skirt, and a grey vest.   
  
"Spiffy." She said happily to herself. "I love uniforms." She found the Mary Janes a girl named Athena had given her when she complained about her shoes that morning.  
  
'Slytherins can actually be quite nice.' She thought to herself, putting on the flat-heeled shoes. She glanced up at the clock over the fireplace in the girls' dorm.  
  
"Shit!" She said aloud. It was five till and her first class of the day was Care of Magical Creatures, which was all the way outside, and she had a feeling she'd get lost getting there. Her memory of the layout of the school was a bit shoddy, and it was not uncommon for her to get lost even in the real world.  
  
She grabbed her bag and ran out of the room.  
  
She ran all the way to Hagrid's cabin and was quite winded by the time she got there. Her glasses had fogged up because it was quite cold and she was warm, and she didn't see Draco Malfoy until she had run square into his back.  
  
"Oi! Shove off!" He growled.  
  
"Sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry!" She said, taking off her square, black framed glasses and wiping them on her cloak.   
  
"Just watch where you're going." He said, glancing at the perpetrator. His eyes lit up when he saw who it was.  
  
"Oh. It's the future Mrs. Snape." He said loud enough for most people in the immediate area to hear. Hagrid, who was giving a lecture on what appeared to be a long, pointed branch, did not seem to notice, though.  
  
"Why don't you just shut up." She said, bored. "Don't you have anything better to do?"  
  
She turned her eyes to Hagrid, who was being pretty much ignored, save by a group of Gryffindors in front. She noticed, to her chagrin, that the trio was again watching her belittlement.  
  
"Aw, are you gonna start crying?" Pansy Parkinson, who, to Ethra's surprise, was much taller than herself, chimed in.  
  
Ethra ignored her and looked over at Hagrid, trying to pay attention.  
  
"I think she is." Draco returned.  
  
"Would you guys just shut up?"  
  
Ethra stood confused for a moment, and then realized who had said that. Harry Potter himself was standing in front of them. He had grown to be taller than Draco but was still quite lanky. Ethra was surprised to see that though he had grown older, his scar had not gotten smaller comparatively, but had stretched to its original size on his forehead.  
  
She suddenly felt very ashamed that Harry Potter, of all people, was defending her.   
  
"It's alright, um...Harry. It's not his fault Draco's got one of those shoved up his ass." Ethra said, pointing to whatever beast Hagrid was holding. It had turned a bright purple and one of the Gryffindors was feeding it a live mouse.  
  
Draco grinned. "Now we're getting down to it, Mudblood."  
  
"Oooh. That's original." Ethra said in mock wonder, rolling her eyes. "Mudblood. Ouch." She laughed. She couldn't help it. She always laughed at the most inapropriate times.  
  
Draco reddened. "Are you laughing at me?"  
  
Ethra laughed again. "Oh, I know, you're going to tell your father, right?"  
  
Ethra was caught unprepared as Draco raised his wand.   
  
"_Furnun_-"  
  
"_Expelliarmus_!" Harry shouted. Draco's wand flew out of his hand and hit Goyle in the head. Goyle did not notice.  
  
Hagrid finally heard this. "Was' goin' on?" He asked, looking over the heads of the students.  
  
Harry had opened his mouth to take the blame, but Ethra talked over him.  
  
"Um...I'm kicking Malfoy's ass." She said, taking out her wand quickly.  
  
"Yer....wha?"  
  
"Kicking. Malfoy's...ass...sir." She said, again, growing red. The students around her laughed.  
  
"Well, erm, gonna haffta send ya to yer head o' house fer tha'." He said, not unkindly. Draco had gotten to his feet. He wanted to protest that she was indeed not "kicking his ass", but he also didn't want to get into trouble. Harry made a noise of protest but Ethra glared at him. "Don't be stupid." She hissed and Hagrid beckoned to her, taking her to his cabin.  
  
He wrote something on a scrap of parchment and handed it to her.   
  
"Well, off to Snape with yeh."  
  
"Yes sir." She nodded, and left the cabin hurriedly.  
  
She debated not going to Snape, but decided eh, what the hell. She was afraid that repurcussions were to be expected from her fellow housemates for fighting with prize boy Draco, and she wasn't exactly sure her dueling abilities were up to snuff.  
  
She decided to go ahead and see Snape, but to walk very, very slowly. She wouldn't be able to talk to him until his next class was over anyway. 'Well, Addie's in this class, so at least I'll get to see her briefly.'  
  
She reached the dungeon right after the bell had rung. Addie caught sight of her immediately.  
  
"How was Magical Creatures?"   
  
"Got kicked out."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
Ethra handed her the parchment.  
  
"'Kickin' that Malfoy boy's arse'?"  
  
Ethra laughed. "I hadn't read that." She took back the scrap and read over it herself. "Nice."  
  
"Well, um, is it alright if I go to Divination, or-?"  
  
"Yes, yes, it's fine." Ethra smiled at her best friend's concern. "I'm alright."  
  
Ethra waited until everyone had left for sure, and then entered Snape's classroom. He wasn't anywhere in sight, but Ethra saw a door marked "Office", so she figured that was where he was. She walked in and knocked on the door.  
  
"Enter." She heard a voice utter grumpily. She took a deep breath and opened the door.  
  
Snape looked up, shaking quickly a piece of stringy hair from his eyes. "What? You?"  
  
She handed him the parchment quickly and stepped back.  
  
"Kickin'....What is this?"  
  
Ethra shrugged.   
  
Snape looked at the note, then at Ethra, then back at the note, then at the clown, then back at Ethra.  
  
"Are you a Death Eater?"  
  
"Am I a- um...not really."  
  
"Not really?"  
  
"Well, um..." Ethra glanced briefly at her left forearm. Snape stood up and reached over his desk, turning over her arm quickly. There were faint, nearly invisible etchings on her arm.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"Do you have a black light?"  
  
" A what?"  
  
"A UVB Lantern."  
  
Snape looked at Ethra and then pulled out his wand, muttering "Luminous Uvibinus. Well?"  
  
The wand glowed a mellow purple-ish colour.  
  
Ethra held out her arm. She pointed to a section of it. "Put it over here."  
  
Snape moved the wand over to her arms and nearly fumbled it. The Dark Mark glowed, light green on her arm.  
  
"Where did you get this?"  
  
"Tattoo."  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's a....Muggle thing. I got it put on myself."  
  
Snape dislighted (its a word NOW, folks) his wand and stowed it in his cloaks, looking disgustedly at Ethra.  
  
"Do you have any notion what the Dark Mark means?"  
  
"It means something to me, yes."  
  
"And just what does it mean to YOU?" He looked at her, his hands on his desk, leaning over toward her.  
  
"Frankly, sir, none of your business. It means what my phoenix tattoo means."  
  
Snape looked like he didn't know whether or not to be mad at her.  
  
"I would have you expelled," he sighed, "but the Headmaster seems to want to keep you here."  
  
"That's because he probably knows I have nowhere else to go."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I-well..." She sighed, suddenly feeling homesick and tired. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."  
  
"Try me."  
  
"Alright." She sat on the arm of one of the chairs and flopped over so that she was lying down facing the grey stone cieling.  
  
"You're not real. Hogwarts isn't real. None of this is real. This whole world was created for a series of books called "Harry Potter" written by a Ms. JK Rowling. My friend and I were transported here by some sort of book my friend lifted from a vampire at her college. We're both nineteen years old and live in the United States."  
  
Snape stared at her for a long time. "Okay, you're right, I don't believe you."  
  
"meh." Ethra shrugged. 


	6. Merghiness

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** I am sorry for this chapter.  
  
**Chapter Six**

**Merghiness  
**  
"If you are from a different world, why do you know everything you do? Why have you been here since first year?"  
  
"More convenient for the author." Ethra stated simply.  
  
"Figures. Bloody authors." Snape grumbled. "Okay, tell me something no one else knows."  
  
"Er....I know you're a spy for Dumbledore, infiltrating the Death Eaters."  
  
"Someone told you that." Snape stood up quickly. "Who told you?"  
  
"Nobody bloody told me. I also know you were flipped upside down in the courtyard your fifth year by James Potter and Sirius Black."  
  
"POTTER! He's been leaking Order secrets!"  
  
"Oh, Potter didn't tell me." Ethra, with difficulty, righted herself and stood in front of Snape. "God, you're tall. Anyway, Potter wouldn't tell anyone. Don't you see how alike you two are?"  
  
"We are **not** alike."  
  
"Um, yeah. You are. Think about it. Potter was picked on for years because no one believed him about Voldemort."  
  
Snape twitched. "You should not say that name."  
  
"Right. Sorry. Anyway, he felt bad for you and was horrified his father had been like that. And then you went and were a total asshole to him."  
  
"I was a _what_?"  
  
"You're no better than James and Sirius were, especially since you, a grown man, have picked on Harry since he was a little kid."  
  
"I- I didn't...I mean...GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Snape suddenly erupted. Ethra couldnt help but jump as Snape took her by the arm and attempted to shove her out. She ripped her arm from his surprisingly tight grasp and took out her wand.  
  
"Do **not** touch me."  
  
Snape had pulled out his wand as soon as she took hers out. "You wouldn't dare try and duel me."  
  
Ethra laughed. "So I'd lose. So what? At least I'd have stood up for myself. I never did in school, and I always regretted it. This is my second chance. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."  
  
"_Accio wand_." Snape commanded, and her wand flew into his hand. "Two months detention, in my classroom. If you are still this insufferable after that, you will have detention with Filch."  
  
"What if I just don't go?"  
  
"I don't think the Headmaster would tolerate **that** much rebellion, especially if you are not actually a student."  
  
"Tell me something. Why are you such a jerk?"  
  
Snape smiled grimly. "You do not know what I have been through in my life. I think I have earned it."  
  
He handed her wand back.   
  
"Well." She said coldly. "You don't know what I've been through either. Or anyone else for that matter." She stowed her wand away and looked him in the face. Her statement had not affected him at all, it seemed.  
  
"I don't CARE what anyone else has been through. No one cares about what I've been through, after all."  
  
"I might." She said, before she could stop herself. 'Gah. Stupid.' She thought, and before he could reply, she walked quickly out the door.


	7. The Dynamite Vampire Sex Hour

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** I realized JUST how off track the story had gotten.  
  
**Chapter Seven  
  
The Dynamite Vapire Sex Hour**

Addie McDuff's Superfun Un-Angsty Day  
  
By  
  
The Bored and Tired Author  
  
Addie McDuff woke up in a pleasant mood. Besides the nagging fear in the back of her mind about whether or not her friend was alright, she was in high spirits.  
  
She gelled her hair into a trendy faux- hawk, remarking on how well these wizarding beauty products performed. She applied some dark eyeliner and soft, purple-ish lipstick for a nice, mysterious effect that wasn't too over-the-top. She was lucky, because her house colours looked very good on her. Today she wore a long, black and yellow scarf, black tank top, black pleated miniskirt, yellow and black striped leggings and large black boots with the Hogwarts crest on the sides. Lastly, she slipped on her large black onyx ankh necklace.  
  
"Cute. I'm like a goth bumble-bee."   
  
And with that she struck out for the grounds. It was her first Saturday at Hogwarts (well, maybe) and she wanted to make the most of it.  
  
As she was walking down the corridor, however, some movement from the shadows behind a large greek-type statue made her pause.  
  
"Hello?" She said softly.  
  
Out of the shadows stepped a tall, lanky man with long, soft black hair draping like a sheet halfway down his back. He had large, frosty blue eyes with long, black eyelashes, and his nearly white skin glowed surreally.  
  
"Sorry if I scared you." He stated in a dark voice that sounded much older than his body looked (don't vampires always? Oh, wait...).  
  
"You're a vampire?" Addie asked brightly.  
  
"Damn author gave it away." The man sighed. "Yup. I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. The name is Lesmarakasha. But you can call me Bowie, all my friends do."  
  
"Sweet." Addie stepped forward and wrapped an arm around Bowie's. He was draped in deep purple crushed velvet from head to toe. His robes had an abnormally high collar lined with black lace, and his sleeves were long, reaching halfway down his hands, with the same trimming as his collar.  
  
"I'm nineteen." Addie purred.  
  
"Really? I'm one hundred and twenty three." He told her as they walked off into the darkness of the castle's bowels.


	8. Oooo, Detention

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Yay. I think I'm starting to get the hang of author's notes. Basically, you just blather like a nincompoop, and the reader is completely at your mercy. BWAHAHA!   
  
...Well, I guess they might stop reading. Of course, you'd get the small contingency of obsessive compulsive people who HAVE to read...but I want more reviews than that.  
  
Anyway, thanks for the trophy, but next time can I have a pizza? Or maybe, a Pizza Trophy?  
  
And, as to where "Esme" came from, its a name pulled from "New X-Men". One of White Queen's pupils. Ethra, well....came outta my ass.  
  
Not literally, mind you.  
  
Thank you to everyone who reviewed.  
  
Oh, and also, sorry about the various typos. When I get back home, I shall fix them.  
  
**Chapter Eight  
  
Oooo.....Detention**  
  
Ethra wandered down to the dungeons merrily, content that the author had decided to put aside canon and put in place something more entertaining for her.  
  
So then she wandered into the potions classroom.  
  
Snape looked up as she entered, obviously annoyed at himself for giving her detention with him. The author stood to the side holding a bamboo cane, however, so he decided not to change his mind at that juncture.  
  
Snape stood and walked over to Ethra as she entered.  
  
"Good. At least you are punctual. You will be dismembering horseshoe crabs for-"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ethra screamed. Loudly.  
  
Snape's eyes became very wide and he backed so far away from her that he ran into his desk and fell halfway across it.  
  
"....What the hell was that?" He demanded, trying to compose himself. Ethra, thanks to her operatic vocal training (YAY!) had a very. very. loud voice.  
  
Ethra took a few deep breaths. She was stark white. A whiter shade of pale, in fact.  
  
"I...am...DEATHLY...afraid...of horseshoe...cr-cr-crabs..." She shook terribly.  
  
Snape finally managed to pull himself off his desk, pulling a few loose strands of greasy hair from his eyes.  
  
"If I give you another task, will you promise not to scream like that again?"  
  
"Possibly."  
  
"Okay." He said, straightening up and striding toward the back of the class. "Follow me over here. You shall-"  
  
Ethra was walking behind him when she got caught up in her robes and fell on her face with a loud thud.  
  
Snape spun around and, just as he saw Ethra flat on her face, a piece of parchment rolled from her unconscious body and bumped into his right foot. Not the left one. The right one.  
  
He stooped and picked it up. Being the nose he is, he opened it and gazed at what was written upon it.  
  
It wasn't really writing. Well, some of it was. On the parchment was a very good likeness of himself, although...he wasn't clothed.  
  
Snape's face began to turn a light greenish colour. She had stopped at the waist area, so it wasn't too revealing, but he wondered how she had figured out about his third nipple.  
  
Just kidding.  
  
About the nipple that is.  
  
The author, at this point, wondered vaguely where movie!Sirius from Prisoner of Azkaban would have procured those nifty tattoos of his.  
  
Realizing she was wondering aloud in her story, she stopped, and resumed writing about the Snape pseudo-porn.  
  
She had actually done a pretty good job guessing what was under his robes, which made him slightly suspicious, except she was a little too generous with the small, er...butterbeer belly she had given him.  
  
He looked down at his stomach, flattening his robes. "Maybe I HAVE gained a little weight..." He murmered to himself, then came back to his senses and glared back at the parchment.  
  
He had a dialouge bubble.  
  
her handwriting was scritchy and barely legible, but he was able to make out-  
  
"'I am Snape, the sex- I mean, Potions Master.'" He read aloud.  
  
Just then Ethra came to and rolled over onto her back, staring at the cieling. As she bent her left knee, her amply-lengthed black skirt dropped a little higher up her thigh and Snape remembered that she was legal. He growled at himself for that thought.  
  
Ethra heard him and tipped her head backward, looking at him.  
  
"Wow...upsidedown Snape..." She murmered. "Like, pineapple, only...Snape... Wooo.....Snapecake..."  
  
Snape cocked his head at her, and she suddenly sat up, her back to him, and shook her head.  
  
"Damn, I fall a lot in this story." She tried to stand but again got tangled in her robes.  
  
"Son of a fucking hell damnit!" She cursed loudly, and ripped off her cape, throwing it to the ground. She turned around and yelled, "AND YOU, TOO!"  
  
Snape reached for his wand, but realized she was talking to her Slytherin house tie. She loosened the knot and tried to pull it over her head, but it got stuck on her abnormally large and beakish nose (sigh).   
  
"Mumbling...damn...fuck...mumble..."  
  
Snape wondered to himself is she had indeed said 'mumble' aloud, and then just sat back and watched with amusement as Ethra fumbled with her tie.  
  
After a good ten minutes or so, she ripped it off and flung it to the ground, stomping it a couple times for good measure.  
  
"So THERE!"  
  
Slowly, she looked up.  
  
And was reminded where she was.  
  
"Oh...um..."  
  
"I am Snape, the Sex Master?"  
  
Ethra blinked, her bosum still heaving from the tie-fight.  
  
"Excuse me?" She wondered how bad her fall had been, when he helf up her drawing. She immediately turned a bright red.  
  
"Er...good likeness, eh?"  
  
Snape, in turn, turned darker green.  
  
"Um...er... Go see Madam Pomfrey!" He took his wand and lit the parchment, which burst into bright flame and disappeared.  
  
"HEY! That's mine!"  
  
"Detention's over for tonight, on account of your stupidity. See you tomorrow."  
  
Growling, Ethra gathered up her things and headed out the door. 'At least I don't have to disect hors-....those THINGS.' she thought.  
  
Back in the classroom, Snape retreated to his office. Today had tired him out more than usual. That girl, that strange girl, had the ability to tire him out in the worst way.  
  
He sat down at his desk and opened one of the drawers to fetch a spare bottle of ink. In the bottom, was a near-photo perfect sketch of himself, half naked, proclaiming himself "Sex Master".  
  
He couldn't supress a giggle. 


	9. Poor, Emotionally Scarred Malfoy

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme  
**  
**A/N:** Stop reviewing anonymonimonously! I wanna know who you are! At least put you name, but for Norbert's sake, don't bloody put "me"! Who the fuck is "me"? I mean, I am me. Maybe I reviewed it? That's a good idea. I'll do a bunch of my own reviews, people will see the story, see it has umpteen reviews, and do the whole sheep-like "Oh, everyone reviews, I must as well."  
  
So anyway, I am determined to write another chapter because I want Ethra and Snape to finally get it on.  
  
You think I'm joking, don't you?  
  
Anyway, just came back from a party (Real wild one.../sarcasm) so I'm a nip tired, but I'll try my best to live up to the suckiness standards y'all have become accustomed to.  
  
**Chapter Nine  
  
Poor, Emotionally Scarred Malfoy**  
  
The author lost track of time, so decided to make stuff up again.  
  
The next time Snape saw Ethra, she was walking into his class, minus, of course, the acursed cape.  
  
She looked worse for wear, with a large bruise above her right eye, and her hair was a terror. She did not look at him as she entered, but he could not take his eyes off of her. It was...like some sort of train wreck.  
  
To make matters worse, Ethra hadn't seen Addie all weekend, save for lunch one day. She was looking disheveled and tired, but had an odd glow of satisfaction about her. They exchanged only a few words, one of which Ethra could have sworn was "Bowie".  
  
She flopped into her usual seat in the back, and was again not joined by anyone. Draco and his minions had snickered at her as she past, and she shot him a venomous glare that he had simply ignored.  
  
To make matters worse, the potion being assigned was long and boring, with the tedious, exact measurements required that Ethra was horrible at. She made potions like she baked- add a little of this, little of that 'till it's just right. And although she could make killer cinnamon rolls (ooo....they're so good, but take 4 bloody hours from start to finish), this method did not work well with the precise science of potions brewing.  
  
'Well, at least I can keep my mind focused on something besides...HIM.'  
  
No, not the weird singer guy. I mean Snape.  
  
This time her potion was pretty good. Only slightly green tinted when it was supposed to be blue, whereas Neville Longbottom's potion had turned red.  
  
At the end of class, Ethra deposited her potion and made to leave when Snape snapped her name.  
  
"Esme." He said darkly.   
  
She turned around, heading back toward the desk. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Harry pause briefly with a look of concern, but soon he too was exited from the room.  
  
"Yes, Snape?"  
  
"That's PROFESSOR Snape to you." He said, resting his elbows on his desk and leabing forward with an ominously carnivorous grin. "Or, if you like, 'Master' is fine."  
  
Ethra blinked. And then she blinked again. She blinked thrice.  
  
"Huh...wha-?"  
  
A smirk spread across his pale face like an earthworm sunning on the ivory tusk of an elephant.  
  
The author laughed madly at that, for no reason other than that she'd had WAY too much caffiene.  
  
"Master. Would you like to call me that?" He purred.  
  
Ethra at first wondered if this was truly Snape, but then realised something all too obvious.  
  
She stepped forward toward his desk, loosening her Slytherin tie. She flung it onto the corner of his desk, and Snape started but then regained his composure as she leaned across the desk, very close to his face.   
  
"Yes. 'Master' DOES have a nice...ring to it." She purred back at him. Like a pair of over-pleasured tigers, they were.  
  
Snape at first looked like he didn't know what to do with himself, and then, halfway in a panic, stood up.  
  
"Miss Emse, I would appreciate it if you would kindly remove your clothing-"  
  
"Okay!" Ethra started to undo her shirt.  
  
"AND YOURSELF FROM MY DESK AND GET OUT!" He finished quickly, watching in horror as she unbuttoned her shirt halfway down.  
  
"What's the matter, Snapey-poo? Can't take the heat?" She walked over closer to him, and he backed into the chalkboard.  
  
"D-did...you just call me..."  
  
"Snapey-poo, yes." She backed him all the way up, pushing him with a thud into the chalkboard. Before she had time to react, he had his wand drawn and had flipped her around so now it was she who was pushed against the chalkboard.  
  
The air nearly knocked out of her, her eyes remained hard on his as she felt his wand poking at the underside of her chin. (Does that sound dirty to you guys? Cuz it did to me.)  
  
"Esme, you are playing with the WRONG man." He growled at her, his face inches from her. His breath was, well...unpleasant.  
  
"Me?" She spat back at him. "Who was just BEGGING me to call him 'Master'?"  
  
"I was trying to scare you away."  
  
"You were bluffing."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Ethra took a moment to catch her breath and realized that Snape, too, was breathing hard, his breath warm against her face and neck. She gazed into his face, glaring intently.  
  
Finally, Snape spoke, getting even closer to her face. "What do you want with me, anyway? Are you trying to bait me? Is this some sort of pathetic plea for affection?" He whispered hotly.  
  
She turned her face up toward his, their mouths dangerously close. "What," She whispered, "do you want with me?"  
  
They were so close now, that they were breathing the same warm breath, nearly panting with something between anger and...well, probably lust, I would imagine.  
  
Ethra felt her eyelids get heavy as she minutely tilted her head up, her mouth, up, toward his...  
  
Suddenly, from her left and his right, there was a loud banging noise as the classroom door burst open.  
  
"Sorry, Professor, I forgot my-"  
  
Snape jumped back from Ethra who absentmindedly took ahold of her shirt, which she realized was still only halfway buttoned.  
  
In the doorway stood a tall, lean-looking blonde with menacing blue eyes and a permanent sneer.  
  
"M-Malfoy..." Snape managed out, trying to regain his composure. In their small wrestling match, his greasy hair had moved out of place, a lot of it into his eyes, and there was sweat on his forehead and upper lip.  
  
Malfoy looked from Ethra to Snape to Ethra to Snape, and his eyes welled up with confusion and tears. He opened his mouth to say something, and then, finally, slinked back into the hallway, and took off running for the stairs.  
  
Ethra and Snape looked at one another. Suddenly, the black haired man strode toward her quickly, and pushed her back against the blackboard. He thrust his lips to hers. They were, as one would imagine, hard and maybe a little chapped, his kiss forceful. Ethra, her eyes still open with surprise, noticed in bemusement that his were closed. As she felt hers flutter shut, the warmth was abruptly ended and Snape stepped back, grabbed her tie and bag, and shoved them into her arms.  
  
"Call me Severus." He said briskly, and pushed her out the threshold, slamming the heavy dungeon door shut behind her.  
  
"I wonder if he remembers I have detention tomorrow night?" She wondered aloud. 


	10. Out the Gargoyle

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** I can't believe all the good reviews I've been getting. You people are strange. I'm glad you find it so amusing, because I'm not really trying to be funny. I mean, of course I'm not trying to be serious, but I didn't set out thinking "I'll write a comedy". I set out to do something cathartically like vomiting through story, I guess you could call it.  
  
Also, I have decided to keep all of my typos and other grammatical errors, because it simply adds to the rustic charm of the story.  
  
**Chapter Ten  
  
Out the Gargoyle**  
  
The Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry sat at his desk, leaning back in his chintz chair, his hippily sandaled feet propped on the desktop.  
  
He had in his hand a copy of Witch Weekly, and he was idly and with mild interest filling out a quiz titled "Do You Have the Personality of a Jet-Haired Vixen or a Flaxen Haired Starlet?"  
  
He was nearing the last question when there was a fast knock on the door. "Come in!" He called, but as he did the person barged in anyway. It was flush-faced, sour looking thirty-something beak-honkered "Jet-Haired Vixen" of a man that Albus knew as Severus Snape.  
  
"Headmaster, I have to speak to you RIGHT NOW." He stood urgently in front of Dumbledore's desk, his stringy hair wild and in his face, stuck like cobwebs to cowbone.  
  
"Just a moment, Severus." He mumbled back. He read over the last question again and gazed at the page as his results appeared.  
  
"Alas. A Fire-Headed Filly." He commented, holding the page up for Severus to see. A picture of Dumbledore with a long red beard and long red hair waved at him boredly.  
  
"I so wanted to be a Silver-Maned Siren."  
  
Severus opened his mouth to speak, but then glared and shut it again.  
  
"So, Potions Master, what did you need to speak with me about?"  
  
Severus took a deep breath and then said very quickly, "IthinkyoushouldexpelEthraEsme."  
  
Dumbledore raised a bushy white eyebrow. "Expel-"  
  
"That damned Esme girl."  
  
Dumbledore gazed up at Snape. "Whyever for?"  
  
"She's...she's insolent. Very disrespectful." He nodded to himself in agreement, standing up straighter and brushing his dirty black hair from his void-like black eyes. "While you're at it, expell Addie McDuff, too. I've seen her running around with the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. TOLD you you should have hired me." He pouted, crossing his arms against his chest.  
  
Dumbledore smiled ruefully. "You know, Severus, she won't be here much longer anyway. She's graduating in a few months."  
  
For a reason Snape couldn't pin, that thought made him angrier. "Yes, well, I bloody have to put up with her until then, don't I?"  
  
Dumbledore continued to watch Severus.  
  
"....What?"  
  
"She doesn't know it yet, but the life she previously knew, Ethra, I mean, is over."  
  
"....I don't follow."  
  
"Right now, she has memories of two different lifetimes. One in our world-this world- and one in another, where we are all simply-"  
  
"-characters in a children's book. Yes, yes, I heard that."  
  
Dumbledore leaned back, looking surprised. "She told you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh. Well, at any rate, her memories are slowly leaving her. The same with Ms. McDuff's. They will come to realize their family and their home are here, they grew up in wizarding or half-wizarding households, and it is in this world they will stay. This transition will, however, be painful for her."  
  
The author shook her comma happy hand, slapping it on the desk to try to make it stop.   
  
It, didn't, work.  
  
"Why would that be painful?" Snape slumped into a chair, picking up the copy of Witch Weekly.  
  
"Well, her realities are transitioning. Addie's transition will be eased with the assistance of our strategically placed, vampiric Defense instructor."  
  
"Yes, yes..." Mumbled Snape, flipping through the magazine. "Exactly when is he going to be assuming that post?"  
  
Dumbledore redened.   
  
"Yes...he was supposed to start, but they have been...that is to say, HE has been...indisposed." Dumbledore cleared his mouth and pulled something from the drawer in his desk.  
  
"Lemon drop?" He offered, holding out a tin.  
  
Snape peered sidelong at him, shaking his head slowly. "Thank you, just the same." He rose out of his chair. "I have work to do."   
  
Dumbledore smiled and nodded. "Of course, of course."  
  
Snape strode toward the door, mumbling about Albus being a useless old coot under his breath.  
  
"Oh, Severus?"  
  
Snape spun abruptly, horrified that the Headmaster had heard him.  
  
"You have my blessing." He said jollily (With jolliness...?), a twinkle in his eye. "Ow! Damn twinkle!" He rubbed his eye hard.  
  
Relieved, Snape made his way down the stairs and out the gargoyle.  
  
Then what the Headmaster had said sunk into his consciousness.  
  
"D'oh!" Snape hung his head, his hands clenched, and slunk back to the dungeons. 


	11. Lots of Never Mind

Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme  
  
Chapter Eleven  
  
Lots of- Never Mind  
  
Snape's room was dark and cold. Not damp, though. He put a dehumidifying charm in his dungeons, because that just made his complexion worse, if that were possible.  
  
On the walls of his chambers were a couple sparse sconces, filled with the type of black-flamed candles that Harry and his friends had encountered when going to Sir Nick's deathday party. Like stated before, it was dark, and he liked it that way.  
  
It was true he was also fond of black. Not the over-the-top goth-type black, but nice, subdued, tasteful black. Only-everywhere.  
  
The sight of his bed was so, so nice to him. The soft black cotton, the down-filled mattress, oh it was nice.  
  
He stepped forward and collapsed on his bed, shoes and cloaks still on and everything.   
  
No sooner had he rested his tired, bitter bones, than he heard a soft voice come from across the room, at his door.  
  
"Call me Severus, eh?" A low voice sounded.  
  
Snape's eyes shot open and he flipped over, peering through the darkness at his door. He saw the a dark figure lurking, then raise its arm. A wand. There was a wand in that hand. Severus reached in his robes as the blue light of the black candles sprung to life.  
  
Snape trained his wand on the figure, as it came into focus.  
  
There stood a short woman, about five-five or five-six. He gazed at her from toe to head.  
  
On her feet were strappy black heels, at least four inches tall. The toenails, visible through the straps, had no varnish. The straps wrapped up from the foot to the ankle and up to the knee, thin, black leather straps.   
  
She had wide, shapely hips, stretched across which was a satin and lace pair of fancy nickers. Up a little, a squarshy but shapely waist, and up from there an ample bust, bound by a bra matching the knickers. Across her shoulders, fastened by a ruby and silver clasp, was a long cloak of black Spanish lace.   
  
Up a little more, the large, cherubic lips he had come to know, dyed blood red. The slightly asymetrical, beakish nose, the large, grey-green eyes that stared intently with fascination some of the time and disgust the rest. Short, chestnut brown hair, parted to the side and moulded into an over-done wave.  
  
"Meh-whu...erm...eh-" Snape was still pointing his wand toward the door.  
  
Ethra smiled deviously, placing her wand in the thread-thin wasteband at her right hip.  
  
"Now, now, Severus. You should watch where you point that thing." She walked effortlessly on the ungodly heels toward his bed.   
  
Clickety, clickety, clickety.  
  
He was frozen, half-propped by his right elbow, the wand in his left hand still pointed.  
  
She wrapped her dainty hand around the end of the wand. Her nails were long and natural, also clear of any polish. She gently slipped the wand from his hand and dropped it on the ground, straddling over him.   
  
As the wand hit the ground, a spark flew out of the end and onto Ethra's lace cape, setting it quickly ablaze.  
  
"Son of a fuck!" She swore, her temporarily seductive voice back to its normal bitchy nasalness. She ripped the cloak off and flung it to the floor, pulling the wand out of her waistband and putting out the cloak.  
  
"...Damnit." She sighed, sitting back on her feet. She glared at the ashes that were her lace cape.  
  
Severus finally managed to get some words out.  
  
".....Esme?"  
  
"Just call me Ethra, alright?" She said, looking at him. She was still straddling him, sitting on his lap.  
  
".....Ethra."  
  
"Yes." She sighed heavily and leaned against his chest. It took him by surprised and he flopped the rest of the way onto the bed. "I don't know what I'm doing. I feel so...stupid."  
  
"And I feel....?" Snape muttered grumpily, pushing her off him and onto the bed beside him. He leaned over her and retrieved his wand, placing it on his red-oak bedside table.  
  
"Hey, you're not wearing gigantic bitch-heels and a couple of satin handkerchiefs across your special areas."  
  
"No, no. Only on Thursdays." He muttered darkly.  
  
Ethra looked at him, and he continued to scowl down at her. Suddenly, she broke into a fit of laughter and Severus couldn't help but chuckle a little, honestly smiling. He was propped on his left elbow, lying beside her, and she grabbed his cloak and pulled him down to her, kissing him in her soft manner, her eyes closed and breathing softly.  
  
Besides earlier, it had been, well, a little while since he was anywhere that close to a woman. It's not like he never had been...but it had been a while. It's kinda like riding a bicycle, you know? It all sorta came back to him.  
  
A Potions Master's hands are delicate and long-fingered, soft in touch but hard tactily. The Master's hand ran over her side and down to rest on her leg gingerly, and then more comfortably as he parted their lips softly.  
  
He looked down at her, not sure what to make of this. She looked back at him, content at first, but then her green eyes clouded in confusion. Her gaze narrowed and her brow furrowed.  
  
"What?" Snape asked, accidentally in a whisper.  
  
"I...I'm not sure. I just felt like..." Her hand dropped from the back of his neck, and she rubbed her forehead and looked away. "I don't know. I just don't know. I have to go find Addie." She said with finality. She wrested from his arms and he moved back quickly, surprised as she grabbed her own wand from his bedside table and stuffed it behind her ear, heading quickly for the door. "I gotta go find Addie." She said again, and was out the dungeon door with a slam.  
  
Severus watched her leave and then slumped back onto the bed.  
  
"That was....weird. Not too bad though." He mumbled, smiling slightly. 


	12. Damn Moving Steps

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Thanks for all my reviews. :) Even anonymous ones. I love you all equally. Ya weirdos.  
  
**Chapter Twelve  
  
Damn Moving Steps**  
  
Ethra was on the second floor, tears streaming down her face, before she realized she had no idea where she was going. He feet were killing her, because she still had the enormous heels on, and she was cold and shivering from her skimpy little outfit. She had a flitting thought about performing a heating spell, but she was hard-pressed to remember much of anything right then.  
  
She sat down, still sobbing, on one of the stairs, praying she wouldn't get caught by Filch.  
  
Her mind was doing...the strangest things. It's like, she had a terrible time trying to differentiate between what was real and what was fantasy. Her life- the non-magic one- was fading and merging with the Harry Potter world. But it was make believe...right?  
  
She tried to think of the author....what was her name? JK Rowling. But...Rowling was also a famous witch authoress. Which was the reality?  
  
Suddenly she was jolted from her reverie. The stairs beneath her had begun to move.  
  
"Holy fucking shit!" She hissed, turning around. Being on the top step, there was nothing between her falling over backward and the ground a thousand hundred million miles below. (Okay, it seemed that was to her, she has vertigo. 0.0)  
  
She crawled backward on all fours, clutching the guard rail for dear life. She whimpered pathetically, watching the room around her pass in a blur.  
  
Finally, the stairs stopped abruptly, right in front of a portrait of a large, buxom woman in a pink, frilly dress. It was tilted up for some reason, but Ethra was too nauseous to think about it. She launched off her ass and toward the stationary landing. But something blocked her launch. She hit her nose hard and heard a thump, as she landed softly, about a foot, it seemed from the ground.  
  
She heard a groan and felt a wand stick into her side, and suddenly she realized what was going on.  
  
"Harry?" She whispered. He didn't answer, so she reached for where she presumed his face was. The thin air beneath her squirmed, but she managed to get a hold of something and rolled to the side, pulling hard.  
  
Suddenly, beside her, a dark-haired figure jumped up from the ground and pointed its wand at her.  
  
"Harry, is that you?" Ethra whispered again.  
  
"Wh-why did you try to attack me?" He whispered, obviously a little hurt.  
  
"I didn't!" She sighed. "I was trying to get away from that god-awful moving step thing."  
  
He kept his wand trained on her.  
  
"Oh, come on, Harry. Why would I attack you?"  
  
"I can think of, I don't know, a thousand reasons. It's been spread all around school what happened earlier."  
  
"Happened...earlier...when earlier?"  
  
"You and Snape..."  
  
"Urm..." She thought back. Not the most recent encounter, surely. Oh! Of course. "When Malfoy walked in, then."  
  
Harry nodded. "Yes."  
  
"Well he's not out to get you either. In fact-"  
  
"Sh!" Harry hissed urgently. Footsteps.  
  
Harry reached down and grabbed Ethra, pulling her to her feet, then grabbed the cloak. He pulled her close to him and draped the cloak over the both of them.  
  
He moved them over, up some stairs and down a long, dark hallway, and positioned them in a corner. He lit his wand and reached down to pull something from the pocket of his jeans, when he caught sight of what Ethra was wearing. His face reddened.  
  
"Long story." She whispered. Harry pulled out a piece of parchment. The Marauders Map. It was already visible, and he opened it quickly.   
  
"It's..Snape." He said quietly. 


	13. Bloody Unlucky

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Well, Im not in a particularly creative mood, so's I wasn't planning on writing another chapter, but ff.net is not working for some reason for me, so I guess I will just do another one. Blargh.  
  
**Chapter Thirteen  
  
Bloody Unlucky**  
  
"Shit!" Ethra whispered, backing them farther into the wall. Severus was already coming down their way, looking, well, not so pleased.  
  
Unfortunately, one of Ethra's large, pointy heels found its way to Harry's bare foot.  
  
"Argh!" Harry cried, and Ethra spun around and clamped her hand onto his mouth.  
  
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." She looked down at his foot. It had a nice sized puncture wound and was oozing a bit of blood. "Eaurgh...."  
  
Snape did not seem to notice anything, however. He just walked past them, hands clenched and mumbling things under his breath.  
  
Harry and Ethra both watched him turn the corner, and both uttered a sigh of relief. After a few moments, Harry uncovered them both.  
  
"Gah, it's hot in there. Hey, lemme see your map." She grabbed the map out of his hands.  
  
"Hey! Give that back!" He reached to grab it but stepped on his injured foot and growled. "Damnit, that hurts. I've been bit by a gigantic, venomous snake, and this hurts worse."  
  
Ethra wasn't listening. She was trying, desperately, to find Addie on the map. No luck.   
  
"Damn."  
  
"Who are you looking for?" Harry asked, through gritted teeth.  
  
"My friend, Addie McDuff." Ethra looked up at Harry, like she had seen him for the first time tonight. "What are you doing out of your room?"  
  
"What are you doing out of YOUR room?"  
  
"Trying to seduce your Potion's Master."  
  
Harry cringed. "Ew. I shouldn't have asked."  
  
"Damn straight. Mind your elders, boy."   
  
"You're only about a year older than me."  
  
"And the definition of 'elder' IS?" Ethra yawned. She felt much better now. And sleepy, very sleepy. Whatever was going on was over. She thought about owling her father in Ireland about it.  
  
Ireland. Is that right?  
  
Yes, of course.  
  
Ethra looked at Harry, who was looking at his foot. He had bled a large puddle onto the stone floor.  
  
"We should go see Severus."  
  
Harry looked at her, horrified. "No! Are you mad or just stupid?"  
  
"A little of column 'A'", she held out one hand, "a little of column 'B'." She indicated her other hand. "No, seriously. We should go. He'll fix it for you."  
  
"And bloody expell me."  
  
"I'll tell him not to." She shrugged. "And if he tries to, I'll kill him."  
  
He looked at her incredulously. "I think I'll just keep bleeding, thanks."  
  
"Or, you can floo to Grimmauld."  
  
Harry appeared to consider it, and then looked at her sharply. "How do you know about Grimmauld? SNAPE told you, didn't he? Leaking Order secrets, I bet, to some harlot..."  
  
"Hey! And no, he didn't." Ethra stood up straight, trying to regain some dignaty whilst dressed like a whore. "You two are very paranoid about one another."  
  
Harry just looked at her suspiciously.  
  
"Fine! Let's go see Dumbledore!"  
  
Harry nodded, but looked at the map and said, "No luck. Snape's there."  
  
"FINE, then you can floo to Grimmauld from the Gryffindor common room. I'll take you there since you can't walk."  
  
"I'm not letting a Slytherin into the common room."  
  
"FINE. From my common room."  
  
"I'm NOT going-"  
  
"FINE! We'll sneak into Snape's chambers and use the fire there. Let's just go SOMEWHERE, I'm terribly, terribly tired."  
  
Harry weighed his options. He had begun to look pale, and he had lost quite a bit of blood at this point. "Alright." He mumbled.  
  
Ethra chuckled to herself and pulled out her wand. "Locomotor Harry!"  
  
Harry was lifted up into the air, dripping blood. She looked at the map in her hand to locate anyone who might get in her way, and headed, yet again, back to the dungeons. 


	14. Mischief Unmanagable

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
****

**A/N:** Aindel, don't give things away!  
  
:D

****

**Chapter Fourteen  
  
Mischief Unmanagable**  
  
"Ow!" Harry growled. He had just been run into one of the stone dungeon walls. Again.  
  
"I swear you're doing that on purpose!"  
  
"I'm not, I'm sorry."   
  
Finally, though, they had reached Snape's chambers.  
  
"How are you getting in?" Harry asked.  
  
Ethra reached down and turned the doorknob, opening the door.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It seems Severus has kept his mystique up enough that no child would dare to try and enter." She smiled and moved her wand toward Snape's doorway. Harry went flying in and hit against another wall.  
  
"Oh. Sorry." She released Harry of what had become, to him, the Cruciatus curse of Locomotor charms.  
  
Ethra looked down at the map.   
  
"Shite, Snape's coming. Hurry! Go through!"  
  
She grabbed some floo powder and threw it into the fireplace. It burst to green-flamed life. Harry hobbled over and into the fire. "Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place." He said woozily. A few quick spins and he was gone.  
  
A voice behind her startled her.  
  
"Ethra? You're back? Are you alright?" Snape said quickly, walking into the room. "I mean, what are you doing here?"  
  
He looked over at the fireplace which was still green. He looked down at the trail of blood.  
  
"Are you hurt?"  
  
Ethra shrugged. "Just...erm...a nosebleed."  
  
Snape again looked at the fireplace. He furrowed his brow. Then he looked at the piece of folded parchment in Ethra's hands.  
  
"Hey, give me that." He said. He walked forward and made to grab the map. She spun around, blocking him.  
  
"No! Mischief managed!" She said, pointing her wand to the paper. It began to dissapear. Still, she couldn't let Snape get the map. Harry needed it for...well, whatever evil things he was planning this time.  
  
"What was that you said?" Snape hissed, reaching for the map again. He wrapped his arms around her and grabbed it, and she bit him hard in the arm. He cried out and stepped back, but then from behind her Ethra heard:  
  
"Accio wand!"  
  
The wand flew out of her waistband and she spun around, just in time to see Snape catch it in his hand. He smiled smugly at her, pointing his wand at her.  
  
"So, Esme, are you going to give that to me, or not?"  
  
"Give what to you?"  
  
He glared at her.  
  
"The thing you have in your hand."  
  
"You don't want this."  
  
"....Yes. Yes, I do."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
He looked at her blankly. "Yes I do."  
  
Ethra looked behind Snape's shoulder, in utter horror.  
  
"Oh...Oh my god, Severus." She whispered, terrified.  
  
"What?" He spun around quickly.   
  
She bolted for the fireplace, hoping there was enough powder in the fireplace for her.  
  
The flames tickled her nicely and she yelled, "Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place!"


	15. All My Hot Sons

**Random Stupidity**  
  
**by Ethra Esme**  
  
****

**A/N:** You may notice some timeline rifts in the next few chappies, this being seventh year and after the 4th and 5th books. This is so it will be spoiler-free. How considerate of me. Or just lazy.

**Chapter Fifteen  
  
All My Hot Sons**  
  
She pretty much fell out of the fireplace once she arrived at Grimmauld Place.  
  
And hit her head on the stone floor.  
  
And got knocked unconscious.  
  
Again.  
  
She woke up some hours later in a large bed in a large room. Sunlight was falling into the room through an open window.  
  
Ethra sat up and looked around the room. No one.  
  
She got up and ran out of the room and down a hall, glimpsing some stairs and running for them.  
  
Suddenly, a figure carrying a tray turned a corner whilst coming up the stairs. She didn't have any time to stop, however, and bowled into it.  
  
Him.  
  
Remus Lupin and Ethra came to a tumbling halt at the bottom of the stairs, the tray, teapot, etcetera still bouncing down the stairs.  
  
'Man, if I don't stop falling on men, people are going to start thinking I'm doing it on purpose.' Ethra though, sitting up and rubbing her sore head.  
  
"Um...map?" Is all she could ask.  
  
"Yes, yes, I got it." The mustachioed (yes, like the movie version) man nodded. "Had to hide it from Severus, he came after you."  
  
"He came after me and then left?" She asked, a little hurt. Lupin got to his feet and helped her up, then waved his wand and made the large food mess disappear.   
  
Ethra noticed she was dressed in a pair of black pajama pants and a comfy blue tee shirt.  
  
"Oh, good. Clothes." She smiled. "Oh, yeah, Harry?"  
  
Lupin raised a disgruntled eyebrow at her. "Yes, had to hide him, too."  
  
"Got him back to school?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"How nice for the author to do all her footwork for her like that."  
  
"Yes, yes, quite."  
  
Ethra looked around, uncomfortable. "...um...So?"  
  
Lupin cleared his throat. "Well, Dumbledore feels that under your particular...circumstances...you should leave school. And since it wouldn't be much of a story if you just went back home, you get to live here." Lupin sighed, longsufferingly. "With us."  
  
Ethra's eyes got wider and wider until finally-  
  
"OMG I GET TO LIVE WITH U GUYZ HERE IN THE MOROWDER ORDER HOUSE THINGY OMG OMG !!!!111one!!" She screamed, ungodly loud.  
  
The portrait of Sirius' mother in the hall started screaming obsceneties.  
  
"Wow...Rowling really cleaned that up for the book, didn't she?"  
  
"Yeah, dirty mouth, eh?" Remus went to take care of the painting, and Ethra took the oppurtunity to look around a little.  
  
She wandered down a long, dusty hallway, and into a dingy library.   
  
"Hello?" A female voice said quietly.  
  
"Oh my fucking hell shit damnit!" Ethra yelled and jumped about a foot in the air. She spun around whilst jumping and fell on her ass. Above her stood a sturdy red headed woman with a scowl on her face.  
  
"That is the most unladylike string of obsceneties I have ever heard uttered in one sentence." She growled disaprovingly.  
  
Ethra smiled. "Oh, I could totally trump that."  
  
Mrs. Weasley's gaze just darkened.   
  
"...Sorry." Ethra mumbled, climbing to her feet.  
  
"So you're our new 'houseguest', right?"  
  
"Yeah. I think Dumbledore's keeping me here because, well...."  
  
"You're clumsy and not too bright and know WAY to much to fall into enemy hands?"  
  
"Er....that and the author ran out of ideas." Ethra thought for a moment. "Hey, do you know where Addie is? Addie McDuff?"  
  
"Oh, yes. She'll be coming with Professor Bowie when he comes tonight for the Order meeting."  
  
"Oh, oh! Do I get to be in th-"  
  
"NO!" Mrs. Weasley shouted.  
  
"But...but...are the twins in the Order?"  
  
"No. But they're coming tonight, because the author thinks they're hot and wants to write about them."  
  
"Yay! What about-"  
  
"Yes, all my hot sons are coming." Mrs. Weasley shook her head and turned around, muttering unpleasant things about the bitchatrix author.


	16. Darkness Becomes Her

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Um....boo! Hee hee hee.... I'm trying to get back on track with the whole "unbelievable stupidity" thing. I think this chapter is inane enough to qualify.  
  
**Chapter Sixteen  
  
Darkness Becomes Her**  
  
Ethra spent the day helping Molly Weasley with various things around the house, doing grunt work, and wondering if she would see Severus at the meeting tonight.  
  
If so, would he be angry?  
  
Probably.  
  
She was just sweeping the floor when her left arm burned, firey, intense heat. That usually conotates burning, ya know.  
  
Anyway, she fell to her knees, clutching her arm and dropping the broom loudly. Just as she did, Remus was coming into the room to, I dunno, get tea or something.  
  
"Are you alright? Is it your head?" He rushed over to her and caught her before she fell over backward.  
  
"N-no...my...arm...." Her hand was clutched tightly around her arm, and Lupin worked to pry it off.  
  
What he saw astounded him.  
  
"Great google-y-moogle-y!" He muttered under his breath.   
  
Upon the inside of her forearm, she bore the Dark Mark.  
  
It was not completely black yet, but it was apparent.  
  
Ethra got a hold of herself and looked.  
  
"What...is that..?"  
  
Remus simply looked at her arm, and then her.  
  
"You...you don't remember..any of it?"  
  
Ethra tried to think about events over the past year or so.  
  
Blank.   
  
Nothing. Nothing about the wizarding world, nothing about the non-wizarding world. She was completely amnesiotic (heh.).  
  
"Was I...a Death Eater, here?"  
  
Remus looked at her at first with incredulity, and then with pity. He gently helped her up into a chair.  
  
"Haven't you wondered why you are a nineteen year old seventh year?"  
  
"Um, I guessed it was either my rampant stupidity or the fact that the author didn't really think about it."  
  
"Erm, a little of both, but you see, for some reason the story developed a plot unbeknownst and unaided by the author. Not a very well-structured plot, but a plot nonetheless. Now, would you like to hear the sorry excuse for why you are a nineteen year old seventh year?"  
  
"Sure. Shoot."  
  
And he told her the story, but the author was too tired and bored to write out the entire explanation.  
  
"Wow." Ethra breathed, stunned. "So, I quit Hogwarts, lied about my age, became a Death Eater, reformed, and went back to school last year, but no one knows about it except Dumbledore? How...Mary Su-"  
  
"Don't say that name! Anyway, obviously I know, too, because Dumbledore decided that, whilst you realities are re-merging, you are too vulnerable and know too much to suffer alone. So when he found out you'd made your way here, he decided here would be the next safest place. Especially after..." He paused, clearing his throat.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Since Draco Malfoy walked in on you...and...Severus Snape. You're going to need extra protection now that Voldemort knows of your defection."  
  
"Yes, but does he? He knows I was with Severus...but he doesn't know I switched sides, right?"  
  
"Er, I guess so..."  
  
"So, maybe, I could do the whole spy thing like Snape!"  
  
Lupin thought this over. "Well, normally, I would say no, but since I wouldn't mind seeing you killed, we'll talk it over at the meeting."  
  
"Do I get to come to the-"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Okay, fine." Ethra rubbed her sore arm and stood up, sticking out her tongue at Lupin. "Damn sexy werewolf, you."  
  
"Yes. I know, it's a curse." He deadpanned. "Like a cuppa?"  
  
Ethra smiled. "Sure. Thanks." 


	17. The One With All the Kissing

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Thanks again to all the kind reviews I've been getting. It really boggles the mind. :) These last few chapters I don't like too much, so I'm surprised others do.  
  
**Chapter Seventeen  
  
The One with All the Kissing**   
  
Ethra whiled away the rest of the day, her simple mind already extremely bored by being stuck inside. She spent it in the library, reading various things, but couldn't concentrate on anything.   
  
Remus was very nice to her, but she got the feeling he secretly wanted her dead.  
  
Finally, night came upon the house, and she heard movement upstairs.  
  
When she emerged from the back of the house, she heard hushed voices and saw, from the hallway, Professor McGonnagal and a scary looking guy Ethra could only assume was Mad-Eye Moody. He had the itchy feeling that he was watching her, and her suspicions were confirmed by Mad-Eye pulling out his wand and Stupifying her.  
  
She awoke moments later, and was pleasantly surprised to find herself in Severus' arms.  
  
"How. Many. Effing. Times. Do I have to pass out or be knocked out, damnit?" She rubbed her forehead irratably.  
  
Snape just glared at her, getting up and practically throwing her off her feet and storming into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him.  
  
"So, um...I guess no one told him I'm not a Death Eater anymore?" She asked no one. Shrugging, she headed upstairs and for the room she heard noise in. A hooting owl, a mowling cat, a dignified snort from one Miss Hermione Granger.  
  
Ethra sighed and knocked on the door. Everyone went silent, and she heard footsteps toward the door. The knob turned and a tall, red headed kid popped his head out.  
  
"Erm..hello." Ron said, squirmingly.  
  
"Go ahead and let her in." She heard Harry hiss. Ron looked briefly disgruntled and opened the door wider.   
  
She saw there the twins, Ginny, Hermione, Harry, Ron, and assorted animals.  
  
"Um..." She raised a hand briefly. "Hi."  
  
It was the wrong hand to raise. Her left, leaving her forearm exposed. A collective gasp echoed throughout the room, and an empty painting on the wall to her right snickered openly.  
  
She sucked in a quick breath of air and clutched her arm, looking horrified.  
  
"Is it true, then," Harry ventured quietly, "that you remember nothing about being a Death Eater?"  
  
Ethra took a moment to think.  
  
"I can't remember past the last month, really." She furrowed her brow, getting woozy. Her arm was itching her and she rubbed it compulsively.  
  
"It's a classic case of author-induced amnesia." Hermione commented wisely.  
  
Ethra looked over at the Weasley twins, standing together. They had indeed gotten more gorgeous. In the past, Ethra would have run up and squeeled and hugged them both but now...she was so tired.  
  
"Anyone know what's going on?" Ethra asked.  
  
"They're probably talking about you." George commented.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"The Malfoys know you and Snape are, er...acquainted." Fred put in.  
  
"Exactly WHAT is that rumor, anyway? What did Draco say he walked in on?" Ethra asked cautiously.  
  
The twins looked at one another.  
  
"Er...nevermind." Ethra sighed.  
  
Harry was busy rubbing his scar and staring at Ethra. She looked around. Everyone was staring at her.  
  
"Look, I know you probably don't trust me right now, but I'm sure I joined the Death Eaters for a very un-Muggle-hating reason."  
  
"Actually." Hermione said, guardedly. "You killed quite a few Muggles."  
  
"I did?" Ethra was horrified.  
  
"Yes, yes. It seemed they were all mean to you in grade school."  
  
"Wh...bu....that doesn't sound like me..." She put a finger to her lips. "Although, a few..." She smirked softly.  
  
The others began to slowly back away.  
  
"Oh, knock it off." She rolled her eyes. "I'm a changed man."  
  
The others exchanged looks undiscreetly.  
  
"Er, woman, rather."  
  
"Well..." Ron said thoughtfully. "You did kill quite a few murderers and rapists and people like that, both wizard and muggle."  
  
"Fantastic!" Ethra brightened, then caught sight of Hermione and Ginny's horrified looks. "Er, I mean...that's terrible. Those...poor...people." Ethra smiled inwardly, however. She had never really thought of the vigilante possibilities of her possition before. 'No, no. That's a bad idea.' She scolded herself.  
  
But so tempting.  
  
'Shit!' She cursed herself quietly. 'No wonder I became a Death Eater.'  
  
"Well, um...thanks for having me." Ethra nodded to everyone in turn, then spun around and walked quickly out of the room, heading back to the library, her thoughts heavy on her mind.  
  
She had just settled into one of the many chintz armchairs in the room with a good book about Magical Beasts when she heard the door creak open. She hoped it was Severus, but when she looked up she saw in the door way the shadow of a scrawny boy with messy hair.  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Ethra, um. can I come in, then?"  
  
"Sure." Ethra smiled, if not a little confused.  
  
"Look, Ethra. I know you didn't join Voldemort to kill innocent people. I mean, too much anyway. And I know you were only with them for about a year."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"And I know that everyone..you know...makes mistakes.."  
  
"Thanks, Harry." Ethra smiled kindly. "That's very sweet of yo-"  
  
Her sentence was cut off by Harry's lips on hers. She squeaked and pushed him off.  
  
"Harry-"  
  
"Listen, Ethra, what I want to say is, I'm terribly in love with you, would you go out with me?"  
  
The author laughed maniacally and the people around her looked suspiciously at her.  
  
"That's...thanks anyway, love. I'm a little..old for-"  
  
He was kissing her again. This time more forcefully, and before she could pry him off her, the door opened spreading bright light into the dark library.  
  
Severus. 


	18. Gag Me With a Spoon

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Sorry about this one. Another half-angst-er.  
  
**Chapter Eighteen  
  
Gag Me With a Spoon**  
  
Ethra knocked Harry off her and he went flying practically across the room. She jumped out of the chair and looked wildly at Severus. His gaze was cold, but revealed no feeling whatsoever.  
  
"It's not what it looks-"  
  
"They want you in the kitchen." He said darkly.  
  
"Alright." She left the room behind Severus, who didn't hold the door for her.  
  
He again didn't hold the door into the kitchen and she smacked herself on the nose running into it. She saw Severus smirk, but that didn't mean anything, since even if they were on good terms he would still laugh at her pain.  
  
The room was practically packed, with more people in the room than she knew the names of. She recognised Dumbledore, of course, who motioned for her to sit across from him, at the other end of the table from his.  
  
She did so and looked at her hands, her gaze traveling up to the blackening Dark Mark on her forearm.  
  
"We have one of two choices, here. Mostly because the author, you know."  
  
There was a small murmur of ascent and then silence again.  
  
"You can either go with Severus to the Death Eater meetings, or he can report back to them saying he is simply playing you for information. Severus deems it safer for him to make it seem he is using you-"  
  
Ethra looked up at Severus, who looked away quickly.  
  
-but Mr. Lupin is very insistant on you going to the meetings for some reason."  
  
Remus grinned at her from behind Dumbledore's back, and Ethra quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"The choice is up to you." The old wizard concluded.  
  
"Wh..what does Sev- Professor Snape want me to do?" She asked hesitantly.  
  
"Frankly, Headmaster, I would prefer to have the girl out of my hair as much as possible." He said, still not looking at her. "She has a tendancy to...royally fuck things up."  
  
He finally looked at her, and this time it was a cold, appraising gaze paired with a smug twitch of the upper lip. Ethra glared at him quietly.  
  
'Bastard.' She thought bitterly.  
  
"Alright, fine, I'll do what Snape wants. Does that mean I go back to the school?"  
  
"Yes, but you will be constantly watched by Professor Lupin."  
  
"What about Bowie?"  
  
"Erm...." Dumbledore blushed. "He has proved...a little unfit for the position. Er, no, wrong choice of words..he-"  
  
"We kicked him out because he can't go two seconds without banging your little friend McDuff." McGonnagal broke in, impatiently.  
  
"Oh." Ethra nodded. "Where is Addie?"  
  
"Two guesses." McGonnagal answered. "They're actually supposed to be out doing Order work. God only knows where they are."  
  
"How come SHE gets to do Order work?" Ethra whined.  
  
"Because the author doesn't know what to do with her character right now." Lupin sighed.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Well, I suppose that's it." Dumbledore smiled, still obviously flustered by the sexual nature of the conversation. "You can go back to the school with Severus, Ethra."  
  
"Oh, JOY." Snape muttered under his breath. He threw some floo powder into the fireplace and shoved her in the minute it turned green. She muttered her destination and wound up sprawled on Snape's chamber floor.  
  
"At least I'm not unconscious."  
  
Severus was next through the fireplace. He stepped over her body, "accidentally" kicking her foot.  
  
"Owwwww!" She whined, getting up quickly. "What the fuck is your problem?" She said irratably, following him as he headed for his washroom. "You don't honestly think I wanted Harry to...do...that to me, do you?"  
  
"I don't really care." He answered uninterestedly. They were both in the bathroom now, and Ethra could see herself and him in the dingy reflection. She looked like shit, her eyes swollen from fatigue, and she was wearing something of Molly's that fit her quite poorly.  
  
She turned away from herself and folded her arms, determined to be mad at Severus instead of hurt.  
  
"You don't care."  
  
"I believe I said that, already." He removed his cloak, revealing a white long-sleeve shirt and black dress pants. He began to unbutton his shirt. She watched him, fascinated. She had never seen him with such a lack of clothing before.  
  
He was pale, but he was pale everywhere, so at least his skin tone was even. He was pretty much hairless, too. Like, I guess, one of those cats or something...  
  
But as he removed his shirt, she saw that he had scars. A lot of scars. Some thin, cut-like ones, other bigger marks that looked like they had been burned in.  
  
She folded her arms and leaned against the wall beside her. Nice and cold, much like the rest of the dungeons.  
  
He glared at her and took a step forward, pushing her with her back against the wall and putting both arms on either side of her head, basically pinning her.  
  
"You smell like chemicals." She commented. "Like an embalmed body or something."  
  
He leaned down and kissed her hard, but she pushed him away, much to her own disgust.   
  
"What is this, your sort of punishment to me?" She asked heatedly, as he leaned against the bathroom sink.  
  
"Do you WANT me to punish you?"  
  
....  
  
"...." Ethra cocked her head. "Cut it out. I'm going to bed."  
  
"Whose bed?"  
  
"MY bed. Look, I know you're just making fun of me."  
  
"...I'm not."   
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"No. I'm not." He stepped forward, in his usual quick manner, but without the agression. "If you say that you aren't...with Potter, I believe you, alright? If I'm angry, it's...for other reasons..." He looked disgruntled again and walked out of the room, sitting on the edge of his bed to remove his shoes.  
  
"Why are you angry, then? Are you angry at me?"  
  
"A little."  
  
"WHY?"  
  
"Well, you're annoying as hell. And maddeningly frustrating." He took off a shoe and looked at her, raising an eyebrow. "And I actually like being around you. And that makes me angry at myself." He finished quickly.  
  
"That's just...stupid." She rolled her eyes and turned to leave, but he grabbed her by the waist and hauled her backward, pushing her onto the bed. He layed down next to her, sighing heavily.  
  
"God, I hate you." He growled.  
  
"I hate you, too." She replied, amused.  
  
She noticed him rubbing his Dark Mark. (Did that just sound dirty, or is it late at night?)  
  
She took his arm and he pulled away out of instinct, but she clawed him a good one and he let her turn his arm over. His Mark was very black, and, when she touched it, was even warm to the touch.  
  
"God, we're pathetic." She sighed, throwing his arm back at him.  
  
"Yes. We are." He mumbled agreeably.  
  
He repositioned himself on the bed so that his head was on the pillow and she curled up next to him, after kicking off her sandals.  
  
"I apologise in advance if I strangle you during the night." He mumbled sleepily.  
  
"That's alright, I'd strangle myself, too."   
  
Wouldn't we all. 


	19. Look Over Here, It's a Plot!

buRandom Stupidity/u

by Ethra Esme/b

bA/N:/b Sorry it's been a while since I wrote. Had my b-day and all that....Also, is ff.net being mean to anyone else? I can't get my QuickEd working...hm...I guess I'll have to resort to CODES...dun dun dddduuuuuunnnnn....

bChapter Nineteen

Look Over Here, It's a Plot!/b

"Addie!"

Ethra grinned brightly as she saw her bestest friend for the first time in forever, it seemed.

She ran past all the other breakfasting students in the Great Hall, and Addie ran toward her, like a bad romantic movie moment.

They hugged and the collective student body- with the esception of the Slytherin table- could be heard uttering a happy "awww....".

"Where the fuck have you been?" Ethra asked Addie as they made their way back out.

"Doing work for the Order. Where do you think?"

"Um...everyone says you and Bowie dissapeared somewhere and were last scene making rough love on the roof of the Three Broomsticks."

Addie quirked an eyebrow. "Well, I must admit there was quite a bit of shagging going on. At first.But seriously, he could think of nothing but! And I knew your safety and the Order's success may depend on our work, so I ditched the stiff-and quite literally, he usually was- and went to work."

Ethra smiled again and gave her friend a quick squeeze. "You're the best."

Addie nodded, smiling back. "Oh, I know."

There was a sudden movement of students and a hush through the crowd in the entryway. The girls turned to look to see what the big deal was, when Ethra saw him. Tall, pale, graceful, and sinfully, beautifully blonde.

For some reason, she couldn't put her finger on it, he looked familiar.

"That's Lucius Malfoy." Addie hissed in Ethra's ear. "I saw him at the last Death Eater's meeting."

Ethra turned her head quickly. "Why were YOU at a Death Eater's meeting?"

Addie looked at her blankly. "You don't remember that we went and joined the Death Eaters together? Remember? That one weekend...didn't you wonder why I was nineteen and going to Hogwarts still?"

"Oh, I thought you were just dumb." Ethra replied, watching Lucius getting closer. He caught sight of her- and Addie- and tripped over a first year."

"Ow...that had to smart." Addie grimaced. Ethra walked over and extended a hand to Lucius, whose perfect blonde hair was now mussed and spilled onto the floor. He glared up at her and stood up by himself. He regarded her with a slight sneer and walked past her, in the direction of the Headmaster's office.

"What's that all about?" Ethra murmered. Addie grabbed her sleeve- long sleeves, which she now had to wear to cover the Mark (thing, not a person). She dragged her outside to under a small shade tree.

"See, I'm supposed to be pretending to be your friend, right, so that I can get info from you."

"Bitch."

"I know. But Snape hasn't talked to the Death Eaters yet about his "plan" to do the same from you."

Ethra pondered for a moment, gazing at the castle idly. "Why does everyone want ME?"

"Because you remember things. I, luckily, forgot everything from the 'books' before I had to go back, but you seem to have trouble..."

"That's dumb, though, I haven't been able to remember hardly anything, lately, except...oh, wait. Yeah, it would be a bad idea if I was captured."

Addie nodded. "Exactly. And, whatever you do, don't tell me anything. I'm not as good as Snape at shucking off their mind-controlly shit."

Ethra nodded. "Well...it's weak, but the author never promised a plot, did she?"

"I know. I'm not sure why she's trying to create even any visage of a plot. I thought this was going to be like a magical teen sex movie or something."

Ethra shrugged in response. "Inability to write totally without a plot?"

"Yeah, probably."


	20. It Gets Silly

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Well, it's been a while since I updated, huh? My codes didn't work on 19 for some reason, but I think I'll just leave them that way. BECAUSE I AM LAZY.  
  
**Chapter Twenty  
  
It Gets Silly**  
  
"I wanna fuck Lucius."  
  
Addie slapped Ethra. "Snap out of it."  
  
"Ow. Whore." She slapped Addie back. "I...he's so....PRETTY...."  
  
"It's his perfume."  
  
"Yeah. A beautiful scent, isn't it..."  
  
"No, I mean, he wears a strong pheremone perfume so that everyone will be attracted to him. Men, women, ghosts..."  
  
"Ghosts?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh, Gods, I want that man to do me.."  
  
"ETHRA!"  
  
"Sorry." Ethra stared off into space, until she heard a noise....it was like...a horse galloping.  
  
She stood up and perked her ears, listening. It had to be...a horse...  
  
Finally, she caught sight of something, across the grounds...it was getting...closer...  
  
Addie stood up. "Who is that??"  
  
"I...don't know..."  
  
It was a large bay horse with a flowing black mane and tail. As it got ever closer, Ethra saw it was not simply a horse, but-  
  
"A bicorn!" She pointed. Addie looked. Indeed, perched atop its red-brown head was a set of ram-like, black horns.  
  
The animal was indeed coming toward them, and the rider pulled up the reins a few yards from them. The bicorn whinnied dramatically and stopped, prancing in place for a moment and then quieting. The rider urged the bicorn to walk on, and walked toward the two girls, circling them and eyeing them. He had on breeches and a riding coat, and an adorable floppy black hat.  
  
"OH MY GOD! IT'S COLONEL BRANDON! OMFG!!!!!" Ethra screamed  
  
The horse spooked and reared, hitting Ethra in the forehead with a hoof. She was flown quite a few feet from the animal and landed, dead.  
  
"I think she's coming to..."  
  
"Severus, stop slapping her!"  
  
"Why? It helps!"  
  
"Look at that bruise!"  
  
"Look at that blood!"  
  
"Oh, my darling, darling Ethra..."  
  
"Harry, shut the fuck up."  
  
"Bite me, Ron. OW! Not really!"  
  
Ethra's eyes fluttered open gently.  
  
"Holy shit."  
  
"She's alive!" Harry flung himself down upon Ethra's still bleeding body, showering her face with kisses.  
  
"Wh-muh...hey!" Ethra tried to pry him off, but Snape just grabbed him by the hair and flung him away.  
  
"Damnit, Potter, you horny little bastard."  
  
Ethra looked from Severus to McGonagall, to...  
  
"It's Brandon! Colonel Brandon!"  
  
The man raised an eyebrow, and Snape looked up at him.  
  
"Um, she keeps calling me that." The man said, shifting uncomfortably.   
  
McGonagall bent down, looking at Ethra. "This is Mark St.Marksman. Our temporary beastmaster and Care of Magical Creatures teacher whilst Hagrid is..er...indisposed."  
  
"Oh, tell her the truth, Minerva!" Snape rolled his eyes, and scowled. "He's off and joined a MagiBroadway production of 'Jack and the Beanstalk'."  
  
Ethra looked at Minerva, who nodded.  
  
"Oh....kay."  
  
"STUPIFY!" Someone from the crowd yelled, and everything again went blank for Ethra. 


	21. Stop Getting Hit in the Head

**Random Stupidity  
  
by** **Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** Another chapter. :)  
  
**Chapter Twenty-One**  
  
**Stop Getting Hit in the Head**

Ethra awoke slowly and didn't remember anything at first.  
  
She looked around foggily. She was on a large, velvet blanketed bed with a black silk canopy and blue candles in the sconces on the walls. Stone walls.  
  
"Oi, this getting knocked unconscious thing is getting old." She mumbled grumpily.  
  
There was movement from her right side, as Severus emerged from the bathroom, carrying a blue and white china bowl. He looked over at her, a brow perked.  
  
"Oh? Awake, are we?"  
  
"What happened this time?" She sat up against the feather pillows and mahogony headboard.  
  
"No, no, lie down." Severus stated firmly.  
  
"Gladly." Her head had tightened like it would explode, and her vision had begun to darken. She laid back down, resting her head gingerly and Severus sat on the bed beside her, pulling a wet black washcloth from the bowl and putting it to her head. She realized it probably wasn't just water in there, because she immediately felt warm all over, and she smiled up at him.  
  
He looked back at her suspiciously. "What?" He snapped.  
  
She grinned. "Nothing. Anyway, what happened?"  
  
His face darkened considerably. "That Potter brat. Tried to stun me. Got you instead."  
  
Ethra's eyes widened. "Is he alright?"  
  
"Yes, Minerva wouldn't let me slap him too hard."  
  
"No, I mean, why is he acting like this?"  
  
Severus shrugged. "Well, he IS seventeen."  
  
"Ah."  
  
Severus dipped the cloth back into the solution and dabbed it back on her forehead, softly dabbing.  
  
"You know, for such an asshole, your touch is quite gentle."  
  
Severus smirked. "You have no idea." He said quietly.  
  
"Oh? Is that a come-on?" She whispered to him, her breath catching in her chest. What was this stuff he was putting on her head?  
  
"Of course not. You're in no condition..." He suddenly got somber and trailed off, lifting the rag and looking at Ethra's split head. "It's healing nicely, though. All thanks to my potions, of course."  
  
"Why didn't you take me to Casualty?"  
  
He looked at her blankly, and then got up and removed his cloak, flinging it onto a chair beside him. "Because I knew I could handle it. And Pomfrey was busy with Potter, at the moment."  
  
"Did you talk to Lucius today?" Ethra asked as He undid the many buttons on his overcoat.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And what?"  
  
"What did you talk about?"  
  
"None of your business." He sat down on the bed and untied his boots, pulling them off and setting them neatly beside the chair with his coat on it.  
  
"Oh, I think it is my business."  
  
"Well I think not." He snapped, removing his shirt and walking around to the other side of the bed. He lay down beside her and folded his arms under his head, glaring at the canopy.  
  
"You can take off your pants..."  
  
"No." He snapped, a little too quickly. "I mean, um.."  
  
Ethra looked over at him. "Ohhhhh."  
  
"'Oh' what?"  
  
She shook her head lightly, not wanting to disrupt her wound. "Nothing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well just one of the things from the books-"  
  
"NO!" Severus suddenly yelled, jumping out of the bed and looking at her in horror. His hair was in his face but he didn't seem to notice.  
  
"What?" Ethra asked, a little hurt.  
  
"Ethra...you must promise me...that is...to say...NEVER tell me anything you know."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't tell me anything from the books. I and Dumbledore and the entire Order have tried our hardest to ward your mind from the Death Eaters, bu there is no guarantee that...that I will be...strong enough." He moved his hair quickly from his eyes and folded his arms across his bare, pale chest.  
  
He spent the next half hour pacing, padding in his bare feet on the cool stone floor. Ethra finally drifted off to sleep, disconcerted and lonely, but when she awoke it was to find him beside her, his arm wrapped protectively around her.


	22. The Continuing Destruction of Draco Malf...

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** It's not Colonel Brandon! :P  
  
**Chapter Twenty Two**  
  
**The Continuing Destruction of Draco Malfoy's Psyche**  
  
And so, time went on in Hogwarts castle. Harry Potter, who was now suffering from perpetual detentions, had moved on from his crush on Ethra. His affections had obviously waned and turned, to whom no one was certain.  
  
Ethra was happy to be in the new groundskeeper, Mark St.Marksman's class. She soon found out, however, that though he was good looking- I mean, REALLY good looking- he was, well...no Severus. She had indeed formed an attatchment to the grump.  
  
August segwayed (interesting spelling, no?) into September, and the weather began to turn cooler, the days shorter.  
  
Ethra went around very happy indeed, as the place that she had come from (though little she could remember about it now) had two seasons- hot and not as hot.  
  
She now spent quite a bit of time outside. Professor St.Marksman sometimes let Ethra ride his steed, as all other animals kept at Hogwarts were quite too dangerous for riding. Back at home (her real home-the magical home), she remembered she had quite a few horses, which weren't as "exciting" as one may deem unicorns, but were at least not impossible to ride. This unicorn was quite easy to ride, though, and St. Marksman explained that it was because it was half horse itself.  
  
One of Ethra's favourite pastimes became trying to run over the first and second years on the grounds when teachers weren't looking. I mean, she was a Slytherin for a reason, right?  
  
One night after curfew, Ethra ventured from her chambers(for she had moved back in with the Slytherins) to go find Severus. She wandered down to the dungeons and found him having sex with a student!  
  
Not really.  
  
She wandered down, and saw a light shining out from his office. She knocked softly.  
  
"Go away." She heard a growl from inside. She opened the door and stepped into the dim chamber, dislighting her wand and placing it in her back pocket.  
  
Severus looked up. It seemed he was indeed trying to look annoyed, but he had formed, perhaps, some sort of small attatchment to Ms. Esme. Maybe.  
  
"Haven't you listened to Mad Eye about blowing off a buttocks? You of all people should heed that warning, given your propensity for falling down and running into things."  
  
"Bite me." She curled her lip at him.  
  
His eyes deepened and he stood up slowly. Ethra looked at him quizzically, but his face betrayed no emotion. He swept silently and quickly around his desk, moving toward her manacingly. She backed up, into the door, and quickly put her wand on a desk beside her, so as not to actually blow her ass off.   
  
She then looked quickly back up at Severus, who had gotten very close to her indeed. And suddenly, she knew.  
  
She glared at him. "You wouldn't." She murmered.  
  
And then he struck. He pushed her up against the door and tilted his head, striking her neck. He bit uncomfortably hard, and she yelped, trying to push him off.  
  
"Bastard. Gerroff!"  
  
He wouldn't budge. He straightened up and looked down at her, glaring. "You should be careful what you wish for."  
  
"What kind of mood are you in?" She asked him, rubbing her neck. "Ew. Spit."  
  
He tilted his head up slightly, looking down his protrudent nose at her. "I think it would be only too easy to guess."  
  
She pushed him out of the way, taking him by surprise as she picked up her wand and put it behind her ear. She raised an eyebrow at him.  
  
"You've been a real ass to me the last couple weeks." She crossed her arms, leaning against a desk.  
  
"I have not." He argued simply.  
  
"Yes, you have. And you gave me a "D" on my last test assignment."  
  
"You are horrid at Potions."  
  
"I am not!"  
  
He moved closer to her again. "If you would pay attention, I know you would do fabulously at Potions. You got straight A's when we were discussing "useful poisons"."  
  
"Well, teach something interesting!"  
  
His lip twitched.  
  
Draco Malfoy walked silently toward Professor Snape's classroom. Having his faith renewed in his beloved teacher-his father told him about the TRUE relationship between he and Ethra Esme-, he was quite looking forward to seeing him again. He had in his hand a sealed and bewitched letter, owled from his father. It would look too suspicious to owl straight from Malfoy to Snape, so Draco was sometimes used as a go-between. And this letter was very important.  
  
Seeing the light on under the Potions classroom's door, he turned the knob and walked in.  
  
It looked at first as though the Professor was attacking Esme. He had her pinned down hard against one of the long potions desks, her arms held fast by the wrists, slightly above her head, and he was straddling her legs. It was all very catlike and agressive.  
  
Draco moved back out the door, closing it until just a crack was left open. He spied through.  
  
"Well, you ARE in a mood tonight, aren't you?" Ethra asked, trying to bring up her arms. Nothing. He was too strong for her. He said nothing and dropped his lips to her neck. "Hey! No fair! How do you know-"  
  
"Your most sensitive of places?" He mumbled, looking up at her. "Call it a...talent."  
  
She struggled to get up, but only managed to lift her face toward his. He met her halfway and kissed her animalistically.   
  
Heh heh heh...I mean...yeah.  
  
He did have somewhat hard lips, and on his breath was some sort of bitterness, but it was nice, and it was...real. For such a cold man with such a cold heart and touch, his breath was unbearably hot. This was the only time she had seen him breathe heavily at all.   
  
A noise suddenly broke their kiss. Ethra looked at the door, as Severus did. They had both heard it.  
  
Severus quickly dismounted and ran toward the door, flinging it open. Nothing. Ethra sat up and Severus ran into the hallway. He came back shortly, carrying a brownish envelope.  
  
"Malfoy." He said simply. He opened the envelope, examining the letter. Ethra got up and moved toward him, but he held the letter up from her.  
  
"You should stay in my chambers tonight."  
  
"No. Not if you won't tell me-"  
  
"I CAN'T tell you." He growled. "Just GO." 


	23. Screw the Pina Coladas

**Random Stupidity  
  
by Ethra Esme**  
  
**A/N:** I was thinking about this last night. I swear the next chapter will be...oh hell. No it won't. It's called Random Stupidity for a reason, kids.  
  
**A warning:** Nothing blatant, but...sexay ahead...  
  
****

**Chapter Twenty Three  
  
Screw the Pina Coladas**

It was bound to happen some time.  
  
It was three in the morning.  
  
Ethra awoke and turned over to see Severus sprawled out on the right side of the bed, as usual.  
  
He was on his back, wearing nothing but his regular black silk boxers (this seems to be the consensus of Severus' new undies of choice. No more graying panties for him, no siree bob.).  
  
His nose was whistling quietly as he breathed in and out deeply.  
  
She pounced.  
  
She slid on top of him, straddling him, her hands planted on either side of his head. She stared down at him fixedly.  
  
It took a couple moments, but Severus finally sensed the presence above him, opening his eyes startedly.  
  
He made a small surprised noise and flipped her over roughly, before he realised who it was.  
  
"You! What are you doing?"  
  
He looked down to see her clad in a small, white, linen and lace night gown. "When did you start wearing that?" The green blush began to run to his cheeks.  
  
She said nothing, and grabbed the back of his neck, thrusting her mouth to his and wrapping her legs around his back.  
  
"Mmm! Mph grm mrrrm!!!" He pushed her away. "What's wrong with you?"  
  
She ran her hand through his hair, along his jaw line, down his neck, across his chest, down his belly-  
  
"Hey! Stop that."  
  
She looked deep into his eyes, and smiled softly. She ran her finger along the waistband of his boxers.  
  
He looked torn for a minute.  
  
"Erm. Uh. No. Bad." He grabbed her hand just as it was finding its way lower. He untwined her legs from his back, sitting back on his heels.  
  
"What?" Ethra smiled sweetly, sitting up and drawing her gown around her. It had a very long skirt, and a train in back, but the top was tight and low cut.  
  
"You're...are you...drunk?"  
  
"No."  
  
"...high?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"...did you fall and hit your head again?"  
  
"You mean I never told you?"  
  
"Told me what?"  
  
"About what happens..." She stood up, walking around to the foot of the bed. "...when I wake up in the middle of the night." As Severus turned and sat on the edge of the bed to face her, she put her hands on his shoulders. Slim, soft...She straddled him and brought her face closer to his, breathing his breath. Her lips were not an inch from his.  
  
"And...what happens when you awake in the middle of the night?" He whispered into her mouth.   
  
"What an unneccissary question." She moved her mouth just a tiny bit closer. He leaned in to kiss her and she moved her head away. He glared at her.  
  
"Don't tease me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
He kissed the side of her neck, just under her right ear. "I'll get even." He breathed. She shuddered. His breath was so warm, and that spot..  
  
"Damn you. How do you know me so well?"  
  
"Haven't you asked that before?" He nibbled on her ear, and she ran her nails very lightly along his back. He shuddered involuntarily, and turned to look deep into her eyes.  
  
"Is this going where I think it's going?"  
  
She ran her hand along his pectoral muscles. "Where would that be?"  
  
He flushed. "You...know what I mean."  
  
Her hand traveled again...down his stomach...along the waistband...and into uncharted territory.  
  
"What an unnecissary question, dearest potions master."


End file.
